Stupid Joke

My mate looked up from his quiz and asked, "What type of animal is a Gloucester Old Spot?"
"Don't ask me mate," I replied, "I'm pig ignorant."

Stupid Joke

I've had seven years of bad ideas up to now.
Must have been that light bulb I broke.

Stupid Joke

I'm going to grow a beard!
I've already bought a young Asian boy with a bit of a moustache, to get me started.

Stupid Joke

I walked it to the kitchen last night and my wife was cooking completely naked.
"Why have you got no clothes on?" I asked.
She replied, "Because the recipe said simmer uncovered."

Stupid Joke

I was trying to direct a real-life remake of the Hunchback Of Notre-Dame, but the Actor who plays the main role has just called in sick.
It's not all bad news though, luckily, I have a back-up.

Stupid Joke

What is black and crispy?
A burnt crisp

Stupid Joke

Fire safety training in the workplace: In the event of a fire, to help prevent it spreading, please always keep the fire doors shut.
Do not leave anything lying around that can fuel the fire.
For example: plastic, pieces of wood, paper.
I think the fire authorities need to stop making Fire Safety Door's out of wood before they start telling people what to do.

Stupid Joke

A psychic medium is taking a radio station to court after they cancelled her show without warning.
She said, "It's come completely out of the blue".

Stupid Joke

Two things fascinate me - the middle east and animal slaughter.
I've just booked a week in Saudi Arabia to kill two birds with one stone.

Stupid Joke

My mate was telling me that I don't get when to use quotes,
What "would he" know anyway?

Stupid Joke

My mate said that he'd been burning the candle at both ends.
I tried but there's only a wick at one end.

Stupid Joke

I was disappointed to discover that DIRT magazine was about bikes

Stupid Joke

Last night my wife called me an idiot for no apparent reason.
Like water off a duck's claw.

Stupid Joke

A new stairlift was unveiled today, it can get you up the stairs so fast that when you get to the top you can still remember what you wanted to go upstairs for.

Stupid Joke

I thought I'd take a leaf out of Spinal Tap's book today, and turn everything up to 11!
Unfortunately the toaster overheated and my house burnt down.

Stupid Joke

What do you call a girl with loads of nicknames?
Moniker

Stupid Joke

I've just been enjoying watching the missus in a bit of "girl on girl" action.
She got into a fight with some tart over a trolley at Sainsbury's.

Stupid Joke

My wife often says that she wants to change me.
But i don't let her. Im a big boy now and know how to use my special big boy pants.

Stupid Joke

Tell you what, some of the girls I go out with are so stupid they literally can't even spell their own name!
Fair play though, most of them don't start school till next year

Stupid Joke

I was the victim of one of those honey traps.
I was just about to collect it, when a gang of bees ambushed me.

Stupid Joke

I'm not a slacker
Just can't be bothered to prove otherwise

Stupid Joke

I've been topping up my tan today.
Its amazing what you can bottle these days.

Stupid Joke

I just had a job interview for a sales job, cold calling.
I turned up wearing 3 jumpers, gloves and a wooly hat.

Stupid Joke

I was so out of it last night I ended up falling in the gutter.
That's the last time I go bowling drunk

Stupid Joke

It was my first time in the boxing ring and it only took 32 seconds to make a huge impression. Even the judges had to admit ..
"We've never seen a boxer with so many corner men."