Apparently changing your name to "The Terminator" is enough to get you fired.
Gynaecologists are way too serious.

I had a running race with a disabled bloke last night.
As he was running I noticed that his arms fell off. Then his legs, then the rest of his body.
He finished just ahead.

Earlier today I saw a blonde grabbing at the air above her head.
She was collecting her thoughts.

My friend suggested I should prepare for the brutal lighting storms we've been forecast.
So I've changed my name to "Twice."

My wife gave birth to our baby son today, and I've named him after my father.
She wasn't too impressed with the name, 'The Milkman', though.

My girlfriend's leaving me because I do everything for her.
So I hacked her Facebook account and defriended myself.

My brash, amateur magician brother said he could easily do the 'catch the bullet between his teeth' trick.
That's the first and last time he'll shoot his mouth off.

I can't see the category for blindness.

I can't believe how stupid people were in the Middle Ages, believing in witches and magic. Now excuse me, I have to forward this email, otherwise a dead baby will kill me.

"Doctor, Doctor, I've lost my ability to shock."
"I'm not surprised."

Christ has risen and walks among us.
Who you gonna call?

I was walking out of Asda when a guy with a Vodaphone jacket approached me "excuse me Sir, who is your mobile phone with?"
I replied "It's with me, in my pocket" as I briskly walked out the door.

I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem."
He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

'Government announces TV licenses to be frozen for 6 years' ..
I'm not taking any chances with a fine, mine's in the freezer already.

BBC News: Yemen bomb 'defused just in time'.
What's the big deal about that?
Every bomb i've ever seen on TV has been defused with one second remaining.

I bought a new pair of running shoes yesterday but as soon as I got them home they were off.

It must be so hard to be a navy pilot. How do they make the boats fly?

I can't believe my mate Paddy didn't get caught robbing that bank yesterday.
Surely someone must have seen him driving the forklift down the motorway with a small building on it.

I've just found out who was nicking my beetroot. I caught him red handed.

I keep a clock in our henhouse.
It's my Chicken Tikka.

I'm going to be running a 'football for giants' league next year.
I've just been elected president of FIFAFOFUM!

I hate people who batter seal cubs.
They taste much better in breadcrumbs.

I jokingly said to my blonde girlfriend, "I got you a new solar-powered sunbed Darling."
"Great! Where is it then?"
"Outside."
"I can't see anything." She said, walking back from the window.
"Seriously? You can't miss it. It's that big green square beside the path."

My Parrot is naked, upset and 5.50 richer.
Who raffled his feathers?

Hearing people use metaphors to express their mood really rattles my cage