Whatever you do, don't try to rob a pet shop if you've got a cold. I tried it today and I only managed to come away with a rabbit. I ran inside and shouted, 'Give me your bunny!!'

Got kicked out of the bird enclosure in Bristol Zoo today.
Ruffled a few feathers.

Somebody just rolled their eyes at me. So i picked them up, and rolled them back!

I'd chain my wife to the bed if it stopped her getting involved in bondage.

My son has asked for a set of goalposts this Christmas...
I don't know why though, he already has two jumpers.

I was thinking of taking up boxing, only thing is I'm allergic to cardboard.

"When you sold me this car you told me it was rust-free." I said to the car salesman
"Well, we didn't charge you for the rust, did we?" He replied.

How to tell Scottish women from Scottish men since they both wear kilts.
The one listening is the man.

My mate asked me, "What's your favourite nursery rhyme?"
I said, "Bursary."

After five long years I've finally kicked the sauce.
I think I'm going to miss my Lea and Perrins.

Teachers eh? What do they know..
I much prefer a single malt.

Police could have been justified in using firearms against August rioters who burned buildings, police watchdog says.
That dog certainly knows his stuff.

Why does dr pepper come in a bottle?
Because he doesn't have a girlfriend

I was out for a walk earlier when I came across two fit young tourists. One of them asked me "Would you mind taking a picture of us?"
"Of course I will" I said and so I did.
The expression on their face soon changed however when I put my phone back into my pocket and walked away.

It turns out, if you lay out every book in a Waterstones branch, you get thrown out by security.

Working in the mine has always made me feel light headed.
Turns out it was the flashlight on my hard hat that caused it.

"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer"
Unless they are hedgehogs.

Got the results of my blood test today.
Not bad, I got an A.

I can walk on water. It may be a puddle, but it's 100% water.

If a Glaswegian asks you, "So ye think ye'r the 'Big' man, eh?",
best not to reply, "No... I think that was a young Tom Hanks."

I went to a fancy dress party last night.
The invitation said: 'Come As Whatever You Want But You Must Take Your Role Seriously All Night!'
I went as a snail.
Got there at 9am this morning.

The Irish have just created a new parachute.
It opens on impact.

I always keep a spare key hidden under my rug.
I'm less likely to lose my wig than my coat.

"What colour is a ginger persons poo, dad?" Asked my son.
"Honestly Michael," I replied shaking my head in disbelief, "Sometimes I wonder if you're really my son?
A ginger persons poo is red of course."

'Jamie Jones upsets Shaun Murphy at the World Snooker Championship'
He called his mum an elephant.