BBC News : "Peer Convicted Of Expenses Fraud"
The report doesn't say what he peed on, though.

Some bloke knocked on my door last night.
He said, "I live around the corner and my daughter has lost her cat, you haven't seen her have you?"
I said, "What does she look like?"
He said, "Quite a chubby little thing, about 6 years old, Ginger hair, walks with a limp?"
I said, "Yeah, she was queuing in the newsagents this morning".

My wife doesn't like it when I dunk into my cup of tea so I've agreed to stop.
It will be a relief to not have to apply antiseptic cream onto my foreskin afterwards as well.

There was an incident involving my local shopping center with robbers,
The Police sealed off all the exits, but the robbers escaped out of all the entrances

Just saw a sign outside Kwit Fit: "SALE - ALL TYRES SLASHED"
Well, no wonder they're on sale...

What's red and and sits on a wall at the butchers? . . . Humpty the Mince!

I applied for a job as a Child Psychologist but apparently I'm too old.

My friend recently lost his Job. He resorted to becoming one of those street performing statues, just to make a bit of money.
His career has really come to a stand still.

I recently met a girl who told me her work involved using a pole
I didn't know women could be in the fire service.

BBC News: Vietnam shoe plant fire kills 17.
I didn't know they'd made a plant that grew shoes.

I asked my son if he was involved in the recent riots. He promised me that he wasn't, and that he was only out of the house for his new job.
It must pay well, he's already got a new TV, laptop and mobile

The Doctor has just told my wife the fact that she awakes suddenly at 7am every morning is nothing to worry about.
I said "Well there's no reason for alarm then"

Don't you hate it when people ask a question and then give their own opinion about it?
I do.

I took my son to the pub last night.
The manager said, "Sorry mate, he's not allowed in here."
I said, "What do you mean?"
He said, "There's a sign on the door that says No Children After 9."
I said, "Well he's ok then, he's not 9 until next week."

I was running late for work this morning so had to quickly jump in the bath.
Took me ages to mop the water up.

How many women does it take to tile a roof?
12 if you slice them thin enough.

I saw on the news about a 3 year old girl and a baby lion sharing a cot and playing together, they seemed so happy.
That your honour is why I let the adult lioness into the house, I thought my wife could use the company while I was at work

The wife just told me the kids next door had died of malnutrition after being left home alone for weeks by their parents.
"Well, I checked in on them, but they seemed alright. In fact they were planning a holiday" I said.
"What? When was this?" she asked.
"Last week. I knocked on & asked through the letterbox how they were doing & one of them said 'Goin Hungary'"

I went to draw some cash last night. There was a sign on the machine that said "Insert Card Face Up."
So I put the card in and looked at the moon for a bit.

A barman walks into the stables.
"Why the long face?", asks the horse.
"It's because you don't visit me anymore", says the barman.

After receiving a very persuasive e-mail, I've started on the African Prince diet.
I've lost 1,000 pounds already.

My boss said to me this morning, "Why are you late?"
I replied, "Sorry, I was dreaming I was at a football match and it went in to extra time, so I had to stay asleep to see who won."

My dad said to me "In life son there will be a lot of people you look up to".
I said "How do you know?"
He said "Because you're so short".

I was chatting to the wife about Prince, and how he changed his name to a symbol.
"Oh, like that bloke from Guns and Roses"? She said, "who changed his name to a punctuation mark"?
"What"? I replied.
"You know", she said, "Slash".

Consternation in the German team at Euro 2012 when Bender met his archenemy Flexo.