I find word games really difficult.
At the moment I'm stuck on H_NGM_N.
I walked out of Tesco today and I saw an old lady struggling to get on her mobility scooter with 4 bags of shopping.
I said, "Do you want me to take it to your house for you?"
She gave me her address and said, "That's very kind of you."
I said, "No problem, you can take your shopping back on the bus" as I pulled away doing a wheelie.
My wife told me she's leaving me because im always too impatient.
'You are unbelievable! There are so many things you would have to change for me to stay, I dont know where to start!' She said.
I said. 'Start towards the end.'
I phoned my wife today and said that I was taking our son swimming.
She said, "Okay, but make sure that he wears a coat or he'll catch a cold."
I don't know why I listen to her.
Now we're on our way home and the poor little git is soaked.
My grandad phoned me this morning and said, "Can you pop around?"
"Of course" I said.
As I got to his to house, he opened the door and said, "I'm on my way out."
I said, "But you've just asked me to come around?"
"Goodbye" he said, dropping to the floor.
It takes two to tango.
Well if I need to find another person I'll just have a Fanta
If I ever have an accident that paralyses me,
I want to have a hard-on at the time.
I was waiting at the bus stop and put my hand out.
Those counterfeit cigarettes are lethal.
So Rupert, Yogi and Winnie the Pooh walk into a bar...
I got stopped by a policeman tonight.
He said, "I've stopped you because I consider you to be a hazard to everyone else on the Motorway."
"Sorry" I muttered, "Was I breaking the law?"
"Yes" he bellowed, "Now get off the bounce hopper."
What do we want?
A ban on this style of joke.
When do we want it?
After this one.
Everyone thought Uncle Bill was daft going into that hospital for a nervous breakdown, but it did the trick.
Three days later he had one.
Jim Marshall, founder of Marshall amplification, has died and gone to eleven.
I've just finished converting the engine on my car to go really fast on bubbly chocolate bars.
I've just put a castle in my goldfish bowl.
The moat seems to be overflowing.
A man makes a complaint at a cheap hotel.
"My room is swimming in water," he says. "Does it always leak like that?"
"No, sir," the receptionist replies. "Only when it's raining."
A couple of chairs go into a restaurant and the waiter asks,
"A table for two?"
I visited the animal rescue centre today and got a dog with no legs.
My girlfriend thinks I'm an amazingly caring man.
I'm not, I just really hate walking.
I completely knackered my lawnmower going over some old bones behind the shed.
That's when I remembered that I'd grown bored of playing hide and seek with my kids.
Last Halloween my son went as Humpty Dumpty.
When somebody asked for a trick, I picked him up and threw him through their window.
The doctor told my wife she was pregnant for the third time today.
Not sure why, we heard him the first time.
Before I travel anywhere, I always do a comprehensive vehicle safety check that takes me about fifteen minutes.
Bus drivers hate me.
Sometimes I love my job as a crash helmet tester.
But on other days it does my head in.
When my Hindu neighbour told me he'd pray to his god for me to ease my bad back,
I felt a shiva run up and down my spine.
My father, often trying to sound clever, came out with the most absurd statements.
I remember one time he said ''Son, be careful what you say as you never know whose listening.''
Why is he telling my brother that?