dead moths make excellent hang gliders for woodlice!

Ministry of Defence releases files on UFO sightings, including lights over Glastonbury.
It's safe to say that if you're not seeing flying saucers over Glastonbury, you're doing it wrong.

I was in an Indian restaurant last night eating my favourite dish when I thought
'Ceramic plates hurt my teeth, I'm getting some pilau rice'.

I got fired from my job as a children's entertainer. I simply misread the the guide book.
My act of bending animals into the the shape of balloons scared some of the children.

I just phoned my mate and said, "Fancy going to the pub tonight?"
"I can't" he said. "I'm skint and I don't get paid until next week."
I said, "I've got some money on me, I'll buy a few pints."
"Are you sure?" he said.
I said, "Yeah, of course I'm sure, see you next week then."

I don't know what all the fuss is about, when people say they would love to swim with dolphins. I swam with them last week, and I'll never do it again.
I was stuck in a trawlers net for 6 hours.

How do you make a flamingo?
Set fire to a polo mint.

On my computer I've got a picture of my friend dressed in a goalkeeper kit, diving about catching monitors.
He makes a great screensaver.

My car broke down the other day so I asked a couple of big guys if they would give us a push.
As I got back up off the floor I decided to call the AA instead.

I was contemplating asking my imaginary girlfriend if she fancied a threesome.
She said "Don't even think about it!"

I just read in the news "Chelsea sack Villas Boas"
What on earth were they doing with the Barcelona striker's snakes in the first place??

Saw an Ad on a website saying "Shocking Hair Loss Trick"
I thought- scissors?

My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here and allowed us to provide a perfect climate to sustain human life.
My brain during the day: Potato, Potato, ching chong Tomato

I'm sat on the toilet and have just finished the last toilet roll.
It should be enough to get me in the Guinness book of Records.
Unless someone has eaten 10?

A man walks into a police station and drops a dead cat in front of the duty sergeant.
"Someone threw this into my front garden."
"I'll take your name sir, and if no one claims it within three months, you can keep it."

The note on the table read "Left you for a better life. You don't work, you don't help round the house and you take no interest in what I'm doing."
So I left her a note "Just going down the pub. Back in time for me dinner."

I'm a bit like a dead anteater.
I don't eat ants.

I went to the library and asked, "Have you got any books on mountaineering?"
The librarian replied, "They're over there on top shelf."

I'm completely rubbish with names.
Just ask my children, Radish, Moon and Toilet.

Being such a nice day I decided to join my local squash club this evening.
I've just necked 3 pints of Robinson's in 20 minutes.

My loft has just been converted,
It's now Muslim and won't let me in unless I take my shoes off

My American mate was really impressed by what he believed to be Britain's most notorious graffiti tagger. He said he'd tagged nearly every urinal he'd used.
Apparently they've never heard of 'Armitage Shanks' over there.

Actual Questions Asked Of Telephone Information Operators:
C= Caller and O = Operator.
------------------------------
C: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
O: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
C: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
C: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
O: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
C: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
C: I'd like the RSPCA please.
O: Where are you calling from?
C: The living room.
C: The water board please.
O: Which department?
C: Tap water.
O: How are you spelling that?
C: With letters.
C: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
O: Do you have his name?
C: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
C: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
O: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
C: Er, yes.
On one occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

I've got a rabbit's foot, but i don't consider it lucky at all.
I've walked with a limp my whole life.

I can't believe my luck. I have just become a millionaire and it was so unexpected. Just when my life was going down the drain with this recession, God gives me a gift. Now maybe I can repay my loans and start afresh, once the company lodges the money into my bank account.
And to think, all I did was be the one millionth visitor to a website.