My dad is quite famous in the TV world. He never stops telling us how he voiced both the dog in Wallace and Gromit and Sooty.

I just spent 54,000 on a flat............. Im skint now. Has anyone got a pump?

My flatmate keeps nicking my memory stick.
He really gets my back up.

My girlfriends like a bike.
I Stole her outside tesco.

SPOILER ALERT..
There's a Ford Escort RS Turbo in front of me!

Just joined the re-incarnation society... cost me 500 like but who cares, you only live once.

As I looked out the window, I watched my wife come in to land. I smiled to myself and thought, "I knew she hadn't packed that parachute right!"

My baby won't stop crying.
He was born with an onion for a head.

As I entered my car to go to work, I noticed someone pranked me by rigging hydraulics under one side of the car.
I flipped out.

My wife accused me of having an affair, so I took a lie detector.
All I've got do now is hide it before she makes me use it and finds out the truth.

My party piece is to stick a condom over my face and blow it up over my head....I took it to new levels tonight using a used one.

How many Germans does it take to wring a cloth?
Drei

I always seem to cry at Weddings.
Especially the one I went to yesterday when the Vicar said,
"I'm afraid your Bride hasn't turned up".

Me and my mate played a game of Russian Roulette last night, but instead of using a gun we used a tool-box.
I hammered him.

My boss called me into the office today and said, "It has come to my attention that you are taking performance enhancing drugs."
"Yes I have," I replied, "does this mean I'm fired?"
"No I just wanted to say keep up the good work."

After the longest time, my son finally came out of the closet.
"It's about time..." My wife said to me "...you locked him in there 3 days ago."

My career as a moonwalk dancer isn't going well.
Bad case of one step forward, two steps back.

Would you think less of me if I told you I was shrinking?

I went to the cashpoint this morning and saw a message on the screen saying, 'If you notice anything suspicious around you call this number'
After having a quick look over my shoulder, I called them and said, "I've just seen my neighbour getting into another blokes car."

"Am I the only one that empties the bin in this house?!" I shouted.
"Yes," sighed my wife as she looked at the rubbish, "the rest of us empty it into the wheelie bin outside".

Is football racist?
What a dumb question. Everyone knows a football can't talk.

My girlfriend and I are tying the knot tomorrow.
At this rate we'll have our tent erected by the end of the week.

My cat was stuck up the top of a tree today, so I tried getting him down with a few slices of ham.
Unfortunately he still just sat there, the ham clearly wasn't heavy enough.

Where will you always find a helping hand?
At the end of your arm.

Today my girlfriend accused me of being Samuel Eto'o.
I nearly dropped my banana.