When playing bingo...
Do gypsies shout out Caravan?
I staggered in the pub near closing time with my 5 year old son in his pyjamas.
"Another double whisky for me and a shandy for the lad" I asked.
"Don't you think you're being a bit irresponsible?" said the barmaid.
"I don't know what you mean?" I replied. "One of us has got to drive home."
I was at the casino playing poker the other night, and all the people round the table wanted me to get chucked out because I wasnt taking the game seriously enough. Apparently a pikachu and a charizard shiny aren't as valuable in this game.
I used to think I had schizophrenia...
But then I realized that's what the voices want me to think.
I've just finished knocking my lounge into the spare bedroom to make a bigger living area.
It looks huge, by far the tallest room in the house.
I overheard my secretary on the phone saying she's being stalked.
I think she's imagining it.
I follow her home every night and I've never seen anyone.
Yahoo: 'Woman dies trying to defrost car'
Jeez..how big is her microwave?
I love comfort food. Especially gigantic ravioli.
Everyone seems to complain about the UK weather apart from me.
I live in Spain.
I fell off my chair today and hit the ground hard, immediately my wife burst out laughing and that got me going.
We both had tears rolling down our faces with laughter as i lay there until eventually she stopped long enough to say "i love that you are able to laugh at yourself!"..
...that's when i realised that she hadn't noticed i'd landed on the baby.
I was walking my dog this morning when I suddenly decided to pop into the newsagents.
The manager stopped me in the doorwayand said, "If you want to come in, you have to tie your dog up outside first."
I like a challenge, so a few minutes later I called the manager back outside.
Helooked at my dog laying helpless on the pavement, with all 4 paws held together with rope and duct tape over his mouth and I said, "How's that for you?"
I hate movies with a twist.
They won't fit in the DVD player.
How many Sid James impersonators does it take to change a lightbulb?
I've been having really dark thoughts lately, like "I wish I could afford electricity."
A reward of 10 million Ugandan dollars has been offered for the capture of the notorious Joseph Kony.
That's right, if you capture Joseph Kony, you could find yourself 63 pence richer!
The other night I was in the club, minding my own business, when several ladies started walking my way. It felt good for a minute to have all the attention.
The bouncers seemed jealous, because after a minute they came and dragged me out of the ladies bathroom.
I was in the pub last night with some friends for the pub quiz. One said to me, "Are you any good at general knowledge?"
I replied, "I don't know much about history, don't know much biology, don't know much about a science book, don't know much about the French I took, but we'll be OK if there's a round on song lyrics."
Just stolen a Mercedes from the Man City players car park.
The registration is VIN 1 so I'm guessing it's a Kompany car.
My son came home to day after failing his English exam and saw the metal doghouse I had spent the day building.
He said "That is welded?"
I said "No son, the correct term is Well Done"
My wife's got a red face after sitting outside in the nice weather today.
I don't know what made her think she could put lipstick on with the sun in her eyes.
"All you need is love" good song, bad advice from a tennis coach.
I was walking with my mate the other day and said to him, "Do you know Fat Chinese Eddie down at the snooker club?"
"Fat Chinese Eddie? I don't think I know him," he replied. "What does he look like?"
I just bought a magic 8 ball.
It was only afterwards that I found out I didn't actually want one.
People say I smoke too much. So I decided to do something about it, and now I have cut the risk of me getting cancer in half.
I'v removed one of my lungs.
Ive always been looking for the best definition of Irony.
And then I realised there is one everywhere and its so simple.
A newspaper called 'The Sun' in Scotland.