I can't believe my mate managed to fall asleep hanging over the top of a dartboard.
He was bent over double.

My wife's fed-up being a golf widow.
She fancies a change of sport.

On my 6th Birthday my uncle gave me a present I will never forget.
Aids

I'm in the process of making a film about an old lady that wins at a raffle. It'll be called, 'Grandma's Number'.
The sequel should be even better. 'Grandma's Number 2'

My whole world appeared to have been turned upside down.
So I hung the mirror the right way up.

I went to the hardware shop.
I said, "this riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "next time, you get on top."

Why do so many buses go to Sorry Not In Service?
It can't be a popular place 'cos they are always empty.

"Oh my god! Somebody help! I've turned into a giant!"
"No Dave. It's 5-a-side. Now get back in goal".

I said to one of the customers in the restaurant last night, "Excuse me sir, but do you own the pink VW Beetle outside with leopard skin seat covers and fuzzy dice hanging off the mirrors?"
He replied, "Yes, why is something wrong?"
"Yes, everything about it."

Great, a petrol shortage...
How will I fill my Zippo up.

Just saw Frank Bruno's wife with two black eyes and a broken nose.
She must have been using the microwave.

I was driving my car along the motorway when the police stopped me.
"Sir, where's the body?" Asked one cop.
"Search all you want, you'll not find one, you have nothing on me so let me go!" I shouted back.
"I can't let you drive away in a car with no roof or sides" he replied.

Did you hear about the fashion designer who died in a changing room?
It was a fitting end.

Liverpool's trophy cabinet contains more Disney memorabilia than a warehouse in Florida!

I just came back from a country where it's extremely hot and damp. There it's just like being in a damp, heated sports arena.
It's called Indoornesia

My friends pointed out that I have developed an obsession with making lists.
So i wrote down some method's of how I can stop.
1. ...

Who performed the world's first emergency c-section?
Moses.

You don't know how much you love someone until they're gone.
So when my wife asked for my love, I decided to kill her.

I was walking along at night when I suddenly fell down a dark and damp hole. So I thought to myself,
"Well..."

You've got to hand it to the boys in blue for their professionalism.
I saw a sign on the road today that said 'stop police', and judging by the amount of panda cars that were there, every one of them had.

How do you get a one-armed man off the monkey bars?
Hit him with an axe.

I was in the pub last night when my friend asked, "How's business? Still slow?"
I replied, "It's so slow mate I don't watch the clock, I watch the calender."

As I stood outside the newsagents this morning a couple of kids walked past.
"Excuse me boys" I said, "If I give you the money could you go into this shop and buy me a newspaper please?"
"Why can't you?" they asked.
"I'm not allowed" I said, pointing to the sign on the door that said, 'Only two school children are allowed in'

I'm just cooking myself some tea.
In hindsight, I should have just used the kettle.

When you're at a pop concert and you look around to see everyone holding their lighters in the air, that's when you know you picked a bad time to go crowd-surfing.