My Dad always gets the last word.
Him and his Countdown Conundrums...
I went on a blind date last night.
As we were chatting away to eachother in the restaurant I asked, "Do you have any children?"
She said, "Yes I have three."
I said, "Hmmm, right....Ok."
"Oh, do you not like children?" she asked.
I said, "I love children, I'm just not a big fan of loose fannies."
My daughter was suffering from severe back pain, so I fetched the medical book to see what it suggested. It said how getting my daughter into the 'foetal position' may help her.
And that, your honour, is why I tried forcing my daughter back into my wife's womb.
I've just landed a duty free job at Heathrow airport
I can't believe I'm going to get paid for doing nothing.
I was so pleased they were giving out free chocolate bars with each newspaper today, but I was furious when I found it had completely melted.
But then again it was in the Sun.
I was chatting to a huge fat bird with tattoos in the pub last night.
At the end of the evening I said, "Do you fancy a little walk back to my house?"
She grabbed her coat and said, "Yeah, come on then."
After a 15 minute walk we reached my front door and I said, "Thanks for that, see you later."
"Why did you ask me to walk back with you if you're not inviting me in?" she asked.
I said, "Because it's dangerous to be walking the streets alone around here."
At a recent interview, they asked me "Can you describe yourself in your own words?"
I said "Flangtle breety smargen"
I was talking to a really fit girl earlier.
She said, "Okay, put the phone down."
I said, "No, you put the phone down."
She said, "You put the phone down."
"No, you put the phone down" I giggled.
Anyway, it went on for about 10 minutes before I was approached by security and thrown out of the O2 shop.
Vogons are slow, shambling creatures whose sole aim in life is to squeeze all joie de vivre out of people.
No, wait. Not Vogons. Vegans.
I have heard the Pentagon play a pretty good game of 5 a side football.
Where does a Yorkshireman buy his chewy from?
I cant afford an expensive home security system...
But I do have bubble wrap carpets and a shotgun...
I told my wife," I've been making the same parts at the motorcycle factory for six months now and they won't let me make anything else."
She said, "Why don't you make a stand?"
"You haven't been listening have you? I've been making the same parts at the motorcycle factory for six months..."
I'm setting up a website to help you find the word constructive in a dictionary.
It's under construction.
Wish people would stop sending me cards today explaining how they feel about me . . . Or death threats and hate mail as its usually called.
There's me thinking I was being a good guy, donating blood.
But apparently my wife's period in a flask is unacceptable.
I've just cycled 5km in the gym.
Probably should have used one of those exercise bikes though.
My teenage son is on his 'Gap year'.
He was too thick to get into college, so he's working in the clothes store at the shopping centre.
A policeman stopped me last night.
"Do you know how fast you was just going?" he asked.
I said, "About 50 mph."
He said, "You're breaking the law."
"How fast should I be going then?" I asked.
He said, "8 mph, you're on a mobility scooter."
That's the last time i open the fridge door without knocking.
who knew that i'd see a salad dressing.
I jumped into a taxi and shouted, "Follow that car!"
I chuckled to myself because it's something I've always wanted to do, but then I started to feel a bit silly.
So after a few moments of silence, I put the key in the ignition and set off to my first pick up.
After my wife disappeared,police said I should call them if I hear anything.
A minute later I called them back because I could hear the neighbour's dog barking.
I was moved today when watching 'KONY 2012' video with my family.
Apparently I was in the way of the TV.
As I sat in the waiting room this morning, I noticed something rather annoying flying around my head.
So I slowly rolled up a newspaper and hit it as hard as I could.
Then I stamped on it, picked it up by the wing, opened the window and threw it outside.
"Mr Smith?" said the receptionist.
"Yes" I replied.
"That budgie belonged to the vet."
I saw a fat ginger woman sitting at the bar last night, so I thought it would be funny to try and pull her.
She instantly fell backwards off the stool and cracked her head open on the floor.