I don't know about anyone else but I'm really enjoying Fifa 11, I'd recommend Royal Mail to anyone! Can't wait for Fifa 12 now!

If I had 1 word to describe today, it would be "Tuesday".

I've just seen a Parasite...
It was full of disabled pikeys.

I went to the church and started masturbating, which to my surprise got me thrown out.
Turns out the job vacancy wasn't for a 'bell wringer' after all.

Apparently, librarians don't go for a poo.
They go for a sssshhhhhhhit.

My mate's heart stopped beating so I immediately started to think of 'Bee Gees: Stayin Alive' in order to aid resuscitation.
It didn't help though.
I started dancing and forgot to carry out the CPR.

If a 5 sided shape is a pentagon and a 6 sided shape is a hexagon
Does that make Pacmam an omnomnomagon?

I asked my teenage daughter what was her main goal in life.
She said "I'd really like to go through a whole tube of chapstick before losing it."

I just checked my balance on my mobile phone.
Don't do it, mine broke straight away.

I was visiting the Bishop, when the Archbishop turned up.
Somehow, I don't quite trust him.

My doctor advised me to drink less.
But I can't find a pub that sells it.

I hate it when people tell me that the cigarette I'm smoking will take 5 minutes off my life.
Seriously, what can you do in 5 minutes anyway?
Especially at that age.

I'm going on a fortnight's holiday tomorrow, and I was worried my house might get burgled while I'm away.
So I've burnt all my stuff. That ought to deter them.

My mate said that trust was the most important thing in a friendship, but I don't believe him.

I was moved to tears at the zoo today. A black family were quietly watching the chimps in their cage.
It was like a scene from 'Schindler's List'.

People go on about how stupid the Americans must be to have a full holiday devoted to a film staring Will Smith.
I'm more concerned about the one in which they give thanks to an ageing Irish goalkeeper.

I was walking through that park when a lady asked me for the time.
I stopped and had a look up at the sun, then said, "Quarter past two."
"Wow, how can you tell?" she asked, amazed.
"I checked my watch about twenty seconds ago." I replied.

My best friend just got a tattoo of an abacus on his face.
I can always count on him.

I lived in my old house for just 6 months and managed to make a tidy profit of over 100,000 when I sold it on.
Which was great considering I was renting.

I recently bought my wife a ring that she had wanted for years, only to find out it didn't fit.
When I took it back, the guy at Curry's said we'll have to get a whole new hob.

When I got home I saw that my wife had had her hair cut.
"Wow.. That looks great. It's taken years off you and makes you look completely different."
As she started to scream and picked up a knife, I realised I was in the wrong house.

I was waiting to see the doctor, then the receptionist said, "the doctor can see you now."
I said to her, "thanks, but why was he blind folded in the first place?"

I've just come back from camping and I stayedin the same socks for 5 nights.
I couldn't afford a tent.

If only my Granddad could see me now, we would have a zombie apocalypse on our hands

My wife decided to walk out on me claiming she can no longer stand me living in a cartoon fantasy world. She didn't get far. Thanks to the anvil I'd suspended above the garage door.