crastination...I'll put the "pro" in it later.
I was walking past a take-away today and there was a sign in the window 'Hot Dogs Served Here'
I walked in and there was a sweaty poodle buying an ice cream.
I bought myself a camper van today.
When I put my tools in the back it says, "Oooooo be gentle'.
I saw a poster in my local newsagents that said, 'Have you seen our missing dog? Please call with any information'.
So I got straight on the phone and told the distressed woman that my favourite colour is blue.
I told my wife I'd bought a time machine but she didn't believe me so I pulled out a gun.
She said, "That's a gun you idiot, not a time machine."
"Yeah I know," I replied as I shot her in the head and killed her, "but now I can go back and start my life again."
I got fired from my job for phone hacking.
Turns out that the call centre didn't appreciate my axe rampage.
The wife and I sat down to watch "Arthur" last night.....
Was going great until his mum rang for him to come home for his tea..
my girlfriend is leaving me because of my conspiracy theories... or is that what the government wants me to think???
I went in to buy some jeans and said to the woman, 'I'm looking for some jeans'. She said 'What leg?' I said 'Both.'
BBC News: Red Arrows grounded after crash.
Clearly neither capitalism nor communism worked, so I think the logical next step is alcoholism.
Ive decided its time for a change in my life..... 9 days is enough for any underwear.
I made a mint at the bookies today.
I stuck 3 pieces of Polo together to waste time before I went home to tell the wife I'd lost our house on the first race.
I went up to this gorgeous Redhead last night, "Hi there, does the collar match the cuffs?" I said with a cheeky wink
"Of course it does, this blouse wasn't cheap ya know!"
Turns out she was a natural blonde...
I was watching this medical show where they said people with far too much metal in their diet often have a poor vocabulary and struggle to use abstract terms in the correct context.
"How interesting," I thought, as I ate another iron magnet.
It tasted irony.
I once tried to be a fish farmer. It was a complete disaster though. I think I planted them to early.
Two stickers walk into a bar
One says 'well done!' And the other one says 'excellent!'
"Well, well! I had to see it to believe it!"
If more people thought this way, religion wouldn't be so popular, would it?
I went to the hospital this morning.
The nurse said, "It's your liver, it's related to cider."
I said, "Yeah, brothers."
My boss fired me for being "incompetent".
How could I be something I dont even know what it is?
I was in the bookies today, and I was quite surprised when my horse came in.
A bloke I was chatting to, asked if he could give him a stroke.
I'm feeling a bit under the weather at the moment.
Maybe I should just go back indoors.
I've always enjoyed the pull-out sections you get in magazines and
I particularly enjoyed my new Roundabout magazine where there was
a pull-out unexpectedly section.
My kids begged me to let them have some sparklers to take to the park this evening but I had to tell them that they're too young to play with fireworks.
They'll just have to make do with twirling their cigarettes around really quickly like all the other children.
My girlfriends autistic son seems disturbed at my being in his home.
The other night I was trying to cook a romantic meal for her but he kept dropping spoons in the hot pans.
He's just trying to stir things.