Stupid Joke

crastination...I'll put the "pro" in it later.

Stupid Joke

I was walking past a take-away today and there was a sign in the window 'Hot Dogs Served Here'
I walked in and there was a sweaty poodle buying an ice cream.

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I bought myself a camper van today.
When I put my tools in the back it says, "Oooooo be gentle'.

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I saw a poster in my local newsagents that said, 'Have you seen our missing dog? Please call with any information'.
So I got straight on the phone and told the distressed woman that my favourite colour is blue.

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I told my wife I'd bought a time machine but she didn't believe me so I pulled out a gun.
She said, "That's a gun you idiot, not a time machine."
"Yeah I know," I replied as I shot her in the head and killed her, "but now I can go back and start my life again."

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I got fired from my job for phone hacking.
Turns out that the call centre didn't appreciate my axe rampage.

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The wife and I sat down to watch "Arthur" last night.....
Was going great until his mum rang for him to come home for his tea..

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my girlfriend is leaving me because of my conspiracy theories... or is that what the government wants me to think???

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I went in to buy some jeans and said to the woman, 'I'm looking for some jeans'. She said 'What leg?' I said 'Both.'

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BBC News: Red Arrows grounded after crash.
Well, duh.

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Clearly neither capitalism nor communism worked, so I think the logical next step is alcoholism.

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Ive decided its time for a change in my life..... 9 days is enough for any underwear.

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I made a mint at the bookies today.
I stuck 3 pieces of Polo together to waste time before I went home to tell the wife I'd lost our house on the first race.

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I went up to this gorgeous Redhead last night, "Hi there, does the collar match the cuffs?" I said with a cheeky wink
"Of course it does, this blouse wasn't cheap ya know!"
Turns out she was a natural blonde...

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I was watching this medical show where they said people with far too much metal in their diet often have a poor vocabulary and struggle to use abstract terms in the correct context.
"How interesting," I thought, as I ate another iron magnet.
It tasted irony.

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I once tried to be a fish farmer. It was a complete disaster though. I think I planted them to early.

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Two stickers walk into a bar
One says 'well done!' And the other one says 'excellent!'

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"Well, well! I had to see it to believe it!"
If more people thought this way, religion wouldn't be so popular, would it?

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I went to the hospital this morning.
The nurse said, "It's your liver, it's related to cider."
I said, "Yeah, brothers."

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My boss fired me for being "incompetent".
How could I be something I dont even know what it is?

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I was in the bookies today, and I was quite surprised when my horse came in.
A bloke I was chatting to, asked if he could give him a stroke.

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I'm feeling a bit under the weather at the moment.
Maybe I should just go back indoors.

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I've always enjoyed the pull-out sections you get in magazines and
I particularly enjoyed my new Roundabout magazine where there was
a pull-out unexpectedly section.

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My kids begged me to let them have some sparklers to take to the park this evening but I had to tell them that they're too young to play with fireworks.
They'll just have to make do with twirling their cigarettes around really quickly like all the other children.

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My girlfriends autistic son seems disturbed at my being in his home.
The other night I was trying to cook a romantic meal for her but he kept dropping spoons in the hot pans.
He's just trying to stir things.