I really like Air Crash Investigation, but they need to stop repeating the pilot episode.

If i was given a penny for everytime i answered a question vaguely...
I would have a lot of pennies

I was in the pub when this bloke asked me if i wanted to buy some steroids... I said no thanks...my stairs are strong enough already

I told a local DJ that I had a large amount of rare vinyl.
"Is there any chance that I could come round and have a look?" he asked.
He didn't look too impressed when I showed him my collection of flooring.

There is a man at a blonde convention to prove blonds are not dumb, he politely asks a random woman from the crowd to come up, he asks her 'what is 5 + 5?'
The blond replies 'I know this one.... seven!'
The man is about to ask a different person up because this woman is clearly very stupid but the crowd wail
'give her another chance give her another chance'
The man then asks the blonde 'what is 3 + 3?'
The blonde replies 'SIX!'
The man then turns to the crowd who he expects to applaud as the crowd shouts out...
'Give her another chance!, give her another chance!

Last night I was chatting up a woman in a club.
I said to her, "I'm about 9 inches when I'm hard."
"Yeah right" she laughed, "Prove it."
So I punched some random bloke in the face and then quickly hid in her handbag.

I pitched an idea to organise days out plane spotting for the blind.
They couldn't see it taking off.

Bonfire Night.
Celebrating a failed terrorist attack with lots of little explosions.

My friend says I have trouble understanding how to end jokes.

I worked as a mail-man in Kathmandu for 3 years. I've never been the same since I came home I think I'm suffering from post Nepal depression

I'm absolutely brilliant in bed.
Yesterday I slept in until 2pm.

I'm starting to think Rihanna's last name is (featuring).

My wife always wanted me to stick up for her.
Robbing the bank with her by my side wasn't what she had in mind.

I've decided to become a Baggie collector...
My Dad thinks I'm losing the pot.

I went to a clown convention today.
I didn't like it though. Everyone was giving me funny looks.

My hairdresser dosent cut hair any longer... just shorter

My wife was mocking me calling me stupid today.
If she thinks I'm going to marry her now she's got another thing coming.

As I was struggling to look through my variety box of hot chocolate drinks, I suddenly realised:
Failure is not an Option.

Evian - 'Still Mineral Water'.
I think it will always be mineral water.

How do you find a needle in a haystack?
Sell it and wait for a complaint.

A market researcher stopped me earlier and asked me what was my favourite condiment.
I said, "I'd never reveal my sauces."

`Every girl I meet asks me the same question.'
`What question ?'

How many stubborn people does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Stubborn people won't change.

If life throws you lemmings, you're probably dyslexic.

How many Microsoft windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
three!
one to change it, one to ask you if your sure you want to change it, and one to ask you if your sure your sure you want to change it.