12.5cm of people hate inaccurate statistics
David Beckham was asked. "What are your thoughts on John Terry losing the armband?".
"Well I hope he gets it back or he'll be swimming in circles."
More British banks require a bail-out.
The ones in Aberystwyth, for example.
Lost my virginity for a Dollar today.
Shouldn't have bent over to pick it up.
I'm so hardcore I once had spring rolls during winter.
Yo mamma's so fat she fell in love and broke it
I used to love tapeworms.
Until CD worms took over
I was bidding for a Computer Game on eBay this morning, when I suddenly got a message saying 'You Have Won This Item'
I thought to myself, "That's a result, I was just about to pay 26 for that."
Bought a stock car to race. It was all going well until it rained and I was left in a puddle of gravy.
Because of our lack of clean clothes, my wife decided to put on the washing machine.
Now she looks ridiculous!
1 Step Forward And 2 Steps Back ...
Not The Best Way To Cross The Road !
Love is blind. Hate is deaf.
You would think Stupid would be mute, but I just keep talking.
I had to turn the telly down earlier.
It shouldn't have come on to me in the first place.
Paddy was in the swimming pool when the time-up call for green wristbands went.
"Hey!" He shouted to the Lifeguard, "Oi've only been in fer foive minutes, here."
The Lifeguard sighed, "Sir, if you took off your blue goggles, you'd see your band is actually yellow"
Beware of unnecessary warnings.
My wife right me, because of my difficulty with directions, and leftly so
Criminals in Dublin are trembling in fear of the new addition to the city's law enforcement.
I was going to post a question on Yahoo Answers, asking what show's on BBC1 at 5:15 on weekdays at the moment- but in the end I decided it was Pointless.
All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan
I once had a job as a bus conductor.
No matter how hard I tried, I could never get a tune out of them.
The definition of stupid.
Trying to sell The Big Issue outside Lidl.
Know your audience.
**NEW FACEBOOK GAME** message me your bank account info along with your credit card numbers, 3 digit security code & expiration date and I'll post in my status what I bought !!
My wife has just announced that she is pregnant with Quads.
I can't wait, I've always wanted to drive one of those.
I was climbing the stairs earlier when I thought to myself. . .
'Why dont I just walk up them like I usually do'
I was in town the other day, when this little green man appeared. All of a sudden, he started flashing and then disappeared. Naturally, I ran after him.
Then I got hit by a car.