The wife bought me a stupid man bag for my birthday today and said, "It's the fashion now."
On the plus side, it's big enough to hold her severed head.

Immigration is a very contentious issue, and opinions vary on its benefits. According to one poll recently,
"Eez great, I 'ave a job az a plumber."

Personally, I think the whole "mail order bride" thing's a myth.
You don't get brown envelopes that big.

You smell so bad, you make Right Guard turn left.

I got sacked from the dementia ward where I worked. Mavis and Edna forgot about the first two rules of Fight Club.

My neighbour accused me of being a flasher the other day.
I almost tripped over my pants.

I'm currently on a British Airways flight and I'm appalled at the lack of health and safety...
An oxygen mask has just hit me on the head.

My mother said to me "always keep your eyes peeled."
Well i think that`s what she said, following her previous advice my ears are still pinned to the ground.

Demonstrated my new 50,000 volt handheld electronic current transfer device to my mate last night
He was stunned...

My mate asked me, "How do you improve the taste of iced tea?"
I said, "By heating it up and adding milk."

I started dating a math teacher a couple of weeks ago
she turned round one night and said to me
"You know you're really stupid, I have no idea why I'm with you, i bet you don't even know what pi is!"
"I know you eat too much of it" I replied.

Earlier when I was sat eating a bowl of Coco-pops on the toilet, I couldn't help but wonder;
What goes on in that bowl?

I was talking to my friend when I told him, "When I was born I was left on the doorstep of a little cottage with a note attached to me."
He said, "What did the note say?"
"I don't know." I replied, "I was too young to read."

Do you ever do that thing when you're searching for something for ages, and it turns out you were holding it all along?
My granddad was always doing it, and that's why he should never have been allowed to hold grenades during the war.

My mate was playing darts he said,
"go on mate name a number."
"Ok, so 7 can be called greg, and 12 can be a susan."
"Now you name a few" I replied.

My wife thinks I'm a terrible cook. She hasn't tried my lamb strudel.

My third wife is leaving me because I'm an arsonist.
Oh well, that's another relationship up in smoke.

Just walked in from work to the kids Halloween party in full swing. I said "What's going on here?"
"Duck apple, daddy!"
As a Granny Smith flew from nowhere and broke my nose.

I walked through my front door today. I guess that means i'm a ghost then.

In cinemas this Friday: The Rentokil Story.
Soundtrack by Deadmau5.

When Jean-Luc Picard had some spare time from the Starship Enterprise, he enjoyed working on his little farm.
Some of the equipment was old and poorly maintained.
He had huge problems getting the seed drill to work and eventually had to call a mechanic.
The mechanic tutted, "It'll cost a bit to get this working. What do you want me to do?"
"Make it sow."

Hey, I'm air-con, kinda like Akon, but cooler..

I've just injected myself with a lethal dose of Heroin mixed with Nitrous Oxide.
At least I'll die laughing.

I was trying to figure out what number multiplied by itself equalled 64, but I couldn't get to the root of the problem.

My mate said, "I'm thinking of moving somewhere with better scenery and nice countryside. What are your views?"
I said, "Well from my bedroom all I can see is a traintrack and a few fields."