Stupid Joke

"Don't give the baby a paper clip!" the wife shouted at me. "He'll swallow it!"
"It's OK, I've got hundreds," I retorted.

Stupid Joke

I burst out into the aisle of the plane and yelled, "Does anybody know how to fly one of these things!?"
Everybody stared on in horrified silence...
As the stewardess calmly asked me to sit down and put the kite away.

Stupid Joke

I just saw a poster on a tree saying: 'This is a photograph of our dog which is missing. If found please call us'
So I phoned them up and said, "I've just found the photograph of your dog."

Stupid Joke

Apparently, tortoises can live for 150 years, so I've bought one to see if it's true.

Stupid Joke

When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral, just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.

Stupid Joke

The wife just said, "Your obsession with cats is totally out of control, so I've packed your bags."
I think she's kicking meeeowt.

Stupid Joke

Well she was a stupid woman interviewer anyway asking, 'Describe yourself in just one word' ..
I said, 'John'

Stupid Joke

What's blue and not heavy?
Light Blue.

Stupid Joke

I think hitch-hikers are really friendly.
I've gone past three in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up

Stupid Joke

After years of research, Irish scientists have announced why the dinosaurs went extinct.
It's because they all died.

Stupid Joke

My wife bought one of those blankets which has sleeves.
"This is great," she said. "Do you want one?"
I replied, "No thanks," as I took off my dressing gown and put it on backwards.

Stupid Joke

I was haggling with a shopkeeper earlier.
I said, "Come on mate. You know how this works. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours."
He said, "Sir, I haven't got all day. Do you want this backscratcher or not?"

Stupid Joke

A couple of lads tried to get into my car last night so I attacked them with a baseball bat.
I'm not cut out to be a taxi driver.

Stupid Joke

Awwwww bless.........
My 2 year old son has fallen asleep face down in the bath.
Must be all that running around, he's obviously knackered.
Oh well, I won't disturb him.

Stupid Joke

If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that, during a power cut, somewhere there's an old person stuck halfway up the stairs on a stair lift.

Stupid Joke

I thought my girlfriend might be 'The One' but, after finding police, nurse and maid uniforms in her wardrobe, I realised she can't hold a job down.

Stupid Joke

What's more fun than watching an old lady fall down a flight of stairs?
Pushing her.

Stupid Joke

I hate paedophiles.
In fact, I hate them that much I actually grab all the kids in the playground and hide them in my van before the perverts can take pictures of them.

Stupid Joke

I don't understand Super Mario.
Bowser kidnaps his girlfriend dozens of times, and yet he still invites him go-karting.

Stupid Joke

I've heard the new 3DS doesn't work if you close one eye.
I guess Nintendo must be coming down hard on pirates.

Stupid Joke

I woke up this morning to find my garage had been robbed.
Immediately I phoned the police.
"There's been a spate of burglaries in the area recently," said the officer, "mainly bikes, lawnmowers. It's probably kids. Could you describe what's missing?"
"Yes, it's a 35ft by 28ft brick-built garage with an electric door."

Stupid Joke

I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

Stupid Joke

I ordered a pizza the other day. They told me that if they didn't deliver it within half an hour, it's free!
So I hung up without giving them my address.

Stupid Joke

My granddad was a terrible Elvis impersonator..
There wasn't much call for it in 1927.

Stupid Joke

I manage my local pub football team and we had a game last night.
At half time we were 3-0 down and I was stressed, freezing cold and hungry.
My mate said, "I'm quickly popping to the shops, do you want anything?"
I said, "Yeah, get me a 12 inch sub."
He came back ten minutes later with Shaun Wright-Phillips.