What's brown and runs round your garden?
A fence.

Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. Although come to think of it, there might have been a policeman on top of it.

I can't believe this! After months of round the clock studying, my Design Technology teacher has given me a low grade on my last test.
I'm so mad, I've decided that first thing tomorrow I'm going to buy a hammer, take it into college and cut his head off!

I've just seen an old lady drop a 20 note in the street.
As she struggled to bend over and pick it up I shouted, "I'll get it".
I ran over, picked it up and said, "See, I knew I'd get it, better luck next time".

Got into a fight at the pub last night.
It all started when he hit me back.

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing. They just waved.

I was in a casino last night and had a few spins on the roulette wheel.
The manager told me to get off.

My new dustbin is too small.
I can't get the old one in it.

"Hi, I've booked a 3 hour session today for a foot waxing."
"OK, what's the name?"
"Baggins."

The Doctor called me in to check out my digestive system, so I walked into his office with a cup of tea in my hand and told him,
"You just dip it into the tea and take a bite, then repeat until they're all gone."

"Daddy, can I wear my princess costume to school today?" asked my daughter.
"No, sorry darling," I replied, trying to get her into the car.
"But Daddy, I really want to wear it!"
"No," I insisted.
"But....."
"Look, you know the rules," I said. "It's my turn to wear it."

The driving instructor said "I'd like you to put your foot down."
"But its a 30mph zone..." I queried.
"I'm referring to the foot hanging out of the window," he replied.

I knocked on my neighbour's door and said, "Your dog just came into my garden and caught my cat. I was going to separate them but it was too late, he's dead and his head is practically hanging off."
"I'm so sorry," he replied.
"Sorry?" I said, wiping the blood off my axe. "It's your dog, mate."

A new girl started working in my local shop. She is absolutely gorgeous. I was thinking of how I could impress her so one day I came up with a plan.
I casually strolled up to the counter and asked for a box of condoms.
"What size?" she asked.
"Extra large," I replied with a cheeky wink.
I'm going to make the biggest water balloons she's ever seen.

I went to the psychiatrist I said, "I can hear voices."
"I see," He replied, "How many?"
"Just the two at the moment." I replied.
"And can I ask how often you hear these voices?" He asked.
"Whenever you or I speak." I replied.

"You could've warned me meeting your parents for the first time was going to be like this!" said my new girlfriend.
"Calm down, love!" I replied. "I can't help them being like they are."
"But I've badgered you for weeks! Bought shoes, a new dress and spent a fortune on my hair... You know all this!" she snorted.
"I know love, I should have said. And I'm sorry their grave is such a mess as well."

A guy at work said, "I'm lucky me, as one door closes another one opens."
I thought, that can't be much fun in the winter.

I've always been able to tell my left and my right by using the simple system of not being an idiot.

I was so excited when I found a fiver in my bed this morning.
But this excitement turned to despair when I checked my teeth.

I'm trying to become a vegetarian, so right now I'm only eating seafood, like lobster and drowned cows.

You know, I'm beginning to think that the Wu-Tang Clan aren't even Scottish after all.

I find it really hard to say some things with a straight face, such as "I think I'm having a stroke."

It was a mistake to steal a smart car.
It picked me out of the police line-up and appeared as a witness for the prosecution.

My son's tooth fell out yesterday.
So last night my wife asked me to tiptoe into his bedroom and replace it with a 1 coin.
I did try but unfortunately he woke up as I was doing it.
Must've been the taste of the superglue.

"When one door closes, another door opens."
I knew I shouldn't have wasted money on this car.