Man goes on a bus.
Not often you see mangos on a bus

Doctor, Doctor,
My left arm's not right

As I pulled off the drive today, my neighbour ran over to my car and screamed, "Stop Dave, Stop!"
I opened the window and said, "What's the matter Mavis?"
She said, "Your baby is on the roof."
I said, "Blimey, that was a close one, thanks Mavis."
As I stepped out of the car I looked on the roof and there he was.
Dummy in mouth, hugging the chimney.

I absolutely hate French jokes.
I can't read in French.

I was in B&Q today looking for some bathroom flooring.
An employee came over to me and said, "Did you know some tiles are worth 10 times more than regular ones?"
I said, "Really? Have you got any?"
He said, "Yes. Here's a 'Q' and here's a 'Z'."

"See ya. Look after yourself" seems like a nice thing to say.....
......unless it's the last thing you say when you quit as a care worker.

I've just bought one of those new hands free kits.
Also known as a saw.

Some people have started calling me a village idiot, but I don't know why.
I don't even live in a village.

I had a really strong coffee this morning.
It took me nearly ten minutes to bring the cup up to my lips.

I tried to take a photo of myself dressed up in a Tyrannosaurus Rex costume.
It was useless. The shot kept coming out of just my chin.

I'm an illiterate idiot, who thinks he's black and I'm everything that's wrong with our culture. I can't talk properly, have nothing of value to say and only the most stupid people would find me appealing.
Hear my new song on Radio One today.

I'm going to a fancy dress party tonight.
The invitation says 'Bring A Bottle'
It's almost as if they knew that I was going as a baby.

True story
I was unlucky enough to be grouped with a middle-aged American man whilst on London's Jack the Ripper tour. We were just crossing a road when he turned to me and asked me why the traffic lights rattled. I told him it was to let blind people when they changed. He looked confused so I asked him what was up. He said "Well in my country, we don't let the visibly challenged people behind the wheel of a hunk of metal!" and quickened his pace to get away from me, shaking his head.

Me and the girlfriend put a DVD on the other night.
The language choice menu appeared and I said it will probably sound funny in Flemish.
She honestly replied; 'Can we change it to Australian?'

I realised i'm on this site too much when I only check BBC News for material.

I've been growing a beard for around 6 weeks now.
It looks really strange nestled in between my tomato plants.

I dumped my girlfriend at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
She's always wanted to go on a romantic break.

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "All horses have long faces, it's a common adaptation found in many creatures evolved for long-distance running in an open-plains environment."
And the barman says, "You've ruined this joke."

I said to a mate, "The doctor removed a tumour the size of a golf ball from my wife's stomach once."
"Seriously? How did he get that out then?"
"With a sand-wedge."

Can't believe I just come last in a spelling centost

I texted my mate:
Can you help me put my TVs up on the wall tonight?
He texted back:
I would, but I need brackets!
I text:
(Can you help me put my TVs up on the wall tonight?)

Just visited The Flying Egg Cafe at Heathrow.
What I want to know is ... which came first, the check-in or The Egg?

I really do feel children these days aren't impressed with the importance of safety in traffic enough. I hit a kid on a bike the other day, splattering him across thirty feet of road.
I got out and surveyed the carnage, shaking my head and thinking "If only his parents had told him to wear a helmet."

I was sitting in the window seat of the aeroplane when I thought "They look like ants down there". Then I realised that they probably were as we hadn't taken off yet.

I'm an accountant but in my spare time I fight crime.
I'm a loan ranger.