BBC News - Brotherhood 'to join Egypt talks'
I didn't know Ezio Auditore had an interest in politics

I think my pig is a drug addict... It keeps snorting.

Why did the British immigration officer stop an American girl from entering the country?
Because amongst all the thousands flooding in today, she was the only one who could understand English.

What do you get if you rearrange the letters of Santa?
Someone else's presents.

I called my first son 'Junior'.
Junior called his son 'Junior Junior'
Junior Junior called his son 'Junior Junior Junior'
Junior Junior Junior called his son 'Junior Junior Junior Junior'
Junior Junior Junior Junior called his son 'Junior Junior Junior Junior Junior'
And do you know what it made me think?
Shouldn't I be dead by now.

My girlfriend has been missing for two weeks now and yesterday I got the phone call from the police that I'd been dreading, asking me to come down to the morgue with them to identify her body.
I was shaking with fear when the mortician pulled back the sheet, but after looking for a minute or two I shook my head and said, "It's not her".
"The genetic profile is an exact match Mr Roberts, would you like a couple more minutes to look".
"I don't need a couple more minutes, it's definitely not her", I replied, angrily, "I've seen my girlfriend every day for the last three years, don't you think I'd have noticed if she had a big hole in her skull?"

How come Martin Luther King gets a day named after him for his dream, yet I get committed to a mental hospital for mine?
Blatant racism.

Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they don't laugh either.

Why do Hitchhikers give me bad looks when I throw a 'Thumbs-up' back at them?

Yahoo:''Mayonnaise spill causes motorway pile-up.''
It's a pity it wasn't Marmite.Some would've loved that.

Had my first ever lock-in at the pub yesterday.
I do wish they'd fix those toilet doors.

I walked downstairs this morning to find an obese monk meditating in the middle of my kitchen.
"What on Earth's this?!" I asked my wife, utterly perplexed.
"Well," she said.
"You did say we should get a deep, fat Friar."

Sir James Dyson's inventions suck.

I saw a sign in a building that said 'in case of a fire, please exit the building calmly.'
It wasn't until I got outside I was informed that didn't apply to us firemen.

What do cannibals play at parties ?
Swallow the leader

Am I just imagining it or are my hallucinations getting worse?

I fell out with my German neighbour, so I dumped an old wash basin on his lawn.
If he thinks I'm apologising, he's got another sink coming.

Are the best before dates on Penguins referring to the biscuit or the joke?

I turned up at work an hour late this morning.
My boss said, "Don't tell me, the bus broke down again?"
I said, "Yes, actually it did."
He said, "This is the 4th time in less than a week, I think you're pushing it!"
I said, "Well that's just stupid, have you felt the weight of those things?"

I got an email from some Irish guy telling me I've won 1 Million Euro on the Irish Lottery and that all I need to do now is email him my bank details.
I've emailed him my details but the jokes on him because I don't even play the Irish Lottery.
What an idiot.

My Psychiatric Nurse just said to me, "You're cured!"
That's either great news or he's noticed that I'm dressed as a giant ham.

In the middle of an argument, my wife called me a hypocrite.
"You're so needlessly dramatic" I said, setting fire to our TV.

My Dad always taught me whatever happens to keep both feet planted firmly on the floor.
Twenty years on I'm dying to change my underwear.

I hate it when people use words they don't really understand in their jokes.
Which is prolific, because I don't like black people or Jews.

My wife is leaving me because she hates the way i take things literally.
I thought getting her another packet of straws would help after she'd used the last one.