I don't know what all the fuss is about Window 7 - I just opened mine and all I got was a little chocolate mouse. Whose idea was that?

"Ladies and gents."
That concludes our tour of the toilets.

My mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old.
Watching them drive away on his float were the worst three hours of my life.

I said to my housemate, "Wanna hear a joke?"
He goes, "Alright then."
"What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?"
"I don't know," he said.
"You're disgusting."

Warning signs these days are getting ridiculous.
'Warning, contains nuts' on a pack of nuts, 'Please mind the gap' when stepping off a train.
What are we, idiots?
I even saw one the other day telling me to refuse to be put in a bin.

Women, here is a reason that you will never be equal to men.
I asked my girlfriend to record something for me on ITV2 +1.
She recorded ITV3.