I stole a packet of Duracell and some sodium chloride earlier.
Got arrested for salt and batteries.

My boss came to me today and said, "I need someone to finish this report by Friday."
I replied, "Have you tried Robinson Crusoe."

I went in to the bank today with my missus and the cashier said to me, "Would you like to open a joint account?"
I replied, "That depends. How much are you going to put in?"

I used to frown upon cosmetic surgery.
Until the surgery made it impossible to do so.

We've got a new origami machine in the office where I work.
Well, it used to be a printer until I took a hammer to it.

My mates got one eye brilliantly disguised as a pirate.
Its not a patch on the other one.

Man walks into a library and asks, "I'm looking for a book on large aquatic seabirds."
"Do you know the authors name?" asked the librarian.
"Yes," he replied, "It's by Albert Ross."

I booked a normal everyday guy to walk around and talk to the kids for my son's birthday party today.
Working in a circus, he's just so used to seeing me dressed as a clown all the time.

It took me nearly 20 minutes to get home in the pouring rain last night, I was soaked from head to toe.
As I finally made it outside my house, my wife opened the bedroom window and shouted, "That's not very clever Dave, is it?"
"I can't odds the weather, love" I replied.
She said, "No, but you could've at least put the roof up on the car."

I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds...
People get out the way much faster now.

Why does the police force insist on hiring uneducated people?!
I saw a policeman stood outside someone's house the other day behind a line of yellow tape which clearly stated: "Police: Do Not Cross."

Why did elmo go to weight watchers?
Because he liked big birds.

I don't like lion bars.
They're very dangerous places to socialize in.

I saw an old lady knock over a black girl today.
The black girl was laying unconcious in the road so I ran over and gave her mouth to mouth.
Well, it was actually a snog and a high 5, me & the old lady had a right laugh.

It always seems to be people called Roger who have Walkie Talkies.

I left my front door ajar last night.
It's not much but I want everything in my house to get something in my will.

I had to laugh earlier.
I was inhaling nitrous oxide.

I think my house is haunted.
I keep hearing moaning coming from my sisters room.

I just cleaned my pet fox's teeth with a bunch of herbs.
Basil Brush

I've just come back from the ultrasound music festival in Staffordshire...
It was a load of rubbish, I couldn't hear anything.

My wife left me over breakfast last Monday because of my obsession with randomly speaking French.
I think she had Un Oeuf with me.

Sometimes I like to cover myself in vaseline and pretend I'm a slug.

BBC : Man ignores warning and shark bites off his legs.
Not big or clever.

My wife brought me a medallion steak the other day.
I haven't the heart to tell her its starting to make my neck smell.

Why are good looking women never clever?
Because otherwise they would be men.