I took my dog for a check up at the vet's today.
He's still a dog.
My wife always ends her texts with "XOxOXoXo", I've never understood what it meant.
Apparently, the "O" means hugs and the "X" means kisses.
All these years, I just thought she really liked stock cubes.
The good news is that a newspaper has described me as a 'cult'.
The bad news is that it was the Guardian.
Must have different kinds of clock in our house.
Been watching for over an hour and mine is still going forward.
I came home drunk last night.
I went upstairs and said to my wife, "I'm hungry."
She said, "There's some sausages that need to be eaten in the fridge."
"Okay, lovely," I said. "I'd better put a jumper on first then."
Have you noticed how the top and bottom biscuit in the packet are always broken?
I don't know why they bother putting them in.
A bloke just knocked on my door and said, "Hi, I thought I'd let you know that you've left your lights on".
I said, "Yeah I know mate, I can't see my way around the house otherwise".
After a 30 mile police chase on the M1 yesterday I decided that the best thing to do was to pull over and continue on foot.
It was at this point the criminal got away, Sir.
How do you make a tortoise fast?
Don't feed him.
I saw an old lady struggling with her shopping today, so I offered to carry it home for her.
As soon as we got to the front door she said, "This is not my house."
I said, "I know, it's mine."
I was walking through Glasgow today, when I was stopped by a representative from Aquafresh Toothpaste.
She said, "Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?"
I said, "We're in Glasgow love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth."
I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Where's the ladies mate?"
He said, "Just around the corner, on your left."
30 seconds later I went back and said, "They must've gone mate, there's only toilets around there."
"Emergency, which service?"
"Water board please. I've been cut off. I need water urgently."
"Sir, the 999 service is for genuine emergencies."
"Yeah, but my house is on fire."
Just had a train run over my feet, probably my own fault for wearing platforms.
My wife accuses me of refusing to answer her questions.
Don't ask me why.
My boss is so stupid sometimes.
But I suppose if he was any smarter, I wouldn't have a job.
I answered the door this morning.
Felt a complete idiot when I realised it never said anything.
I went to my local market today and saw a sign that said: "ONE WATERMELON FOR 3 OR THREE FOR 10"
Instead of telling the guy behind the stall how stupid he was I decided to show him.
So I walked up to him and asked: "Can I buy a watermelon please?"
"Yes sir, that'll be three pounds."
I handed over the money and asked: "Actually, can I have another one please?"
"No problem sir, that's three pounds."
"Can I have one more?"
"Certainly sir, three pounds."
Smirking I said: "I've just bought three watermelons for nine pounds but on your sign it says ten. Don't you realise how stupid you are?"
"That happens a lot," he chuckled, "until I point out that you just bought three watermelons instead of one."
NEWSFLASH: BT to cut 15,000 posts over the next year
......How will all the wires stay up?
"It's not you, it's me."
I hate sorting photos with my twin brother.
BT has admitted to leaking thousands of customers details.
It's not the first time; every year they leak the names, addresses and phone numbers of everyone in my town and post it to me in a big book. Idiots.
I was staring at a woman trying to breast feed on the bus today.
She said, "You're a really weird bloke."
"Why?" I asked. "Because I'm staring at you?"
She said, "No, because you're trying to breast feed a baby."
I have a feeling I'm not as popular as I thought. I've been put in goal for my local darts team.
I've a horrible feeling I'm under surveillance.
I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now.
Government aim to reduce Jay-Z's problems to 75 by 2015