I've decided to spend a weekend in the Dales.
And, if I enjoy it, I'll spend next week in the Rodneys.

When I came back from my shopping trip empty handed earlier, the wife said:
"What're you doing? I told you to get a pair of shoes with some laces."
"I tried to" I said, "but all of the shops said they'd prefer cash."

"Hey Dad, when Neil Patrick Harris played Doogie Howser, what kind of doctor was he supposed to be?"
........Not sure son, ...probably a Urologist

I went to draw some cash at the ATM this afternoon.
Seems like I take my art craving too far these days.

"Did you know "Gein" is actually a Dutch word, meaning "mirth" or "fun"?"
"That's great, Ed. I still don't want to hang out with you."

The police are concerned about the increase of 'drug-driving'.
Too right they should be!
Last night I was almost run down by a car being driven by two paracetamols.

It seems odd to me that scientists are seemingly forever trying to crack the mysteries of the fourth dimension.
I saw it all for myself at 'Disney's 4D Experience'.

It seems odd to me that scientists are seemingly forever trying to crack the mysteries of the fourth dimension.
I saw it all for myself at 'Disney's 4D Experience'.

Opened my eyes only to see Scooch, Javine, Bucks Fizz and Andy Abraham in front of me. Turned out I'd activated my Eurovision.

Opened my eyes only to see Scooch, Javine, Bucks Fizz and Andy Abraham in front of me. Turned out I'd activated my Eurovision.

I've just received my daughters mid-term school report and apparently her English spelling and grammar is appalling.
If it is not her mother, then I don't have a clue wear she gets it from.

I'll never forget my sons first word.
It was a copied version of 97 that didn't work properly.

I've just found a stray kitten wearing a Man United collar..
Must be a Manc's cat.

Not only would the toilet not flush, but i am now banned from Ikea.

Sad to hear that soul legend Bill Withers is no longer with us.
He's changed his named by deed-poll.

For nearly a week now I've had a man in my garden singing, "Figaro, Figaro, Figaro."
I won a tenor on the lottery.

I've been really worried since I went to see a psychic yesterday.
She told me to make sure I'm wearing clean underwear next Tuesday.

I was walking down the road when I saw a few lads lifting a large box. I could see they were struggling so I went over to help.
"Come out" I boasted, "It's all in the knees."
"Just go away!" they shouted.
"I'm only helping" I said, spitting on my hands and lifting.
The sheer weight made me collapse in a heap and I dropped it.
Totally ruined the funeral.

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

I was offered heroin at a party, but declined because I'm not stupid.
So I just carried on sniffing glue and shoe polish.

Apparently I need foot surgery.
But I would prefer the doctor to use his hands.

I phoned up the bank to find out the situation of my current balance
They told me to stop being stupid and that if I left one raisin on top of the other on the kitchen side they would probably still be there

My mate said, "Why are you sticking twenty pound notes onto that helium balloon?"
I said, "I need to raise some cash quickly."

there's a blonde, a brunette and a ginger. they have been asked to swim the english channel. the ginger swims an eighth the way and swims back. the brunette swims a quarter the way and swims back. the blonde swam half the way and swam back.

What's yellow and swings through the jungle?
Tarzipan