I found a wallet on the bus today.
It had in it a wad of cash and 2 major credit cards,
I couldn't believe my luck. It was made out of real leather!

People have accused me of faking my interest in football.
It's not true, I watch the World Cup every year.

Mechanic: "Would you like me to winterize your car?" Customer: "First, summerize the cost.

Women are proof of reincarnation.You can't get that stupid in one lifetime.

Toys R Us -
"There's Millions says Geoffrey all under one roof..."
However this was ruled to be inaccurate and Geoffrey was found guilty of False Advertising and sentenced to a 3 and a half year sentence.

At yesterday's house party, everyone must've been too full of turkey, as this huge buffet was going to waste. Finally the owners announced that anything not eaten, could we help them by taking some of it home ..
It was so kind of them .. The wife and I love our new sofa and TV.

Nothing's stopping me from showing up to jury duty tomorrow wearing rollerblades , a pink g-string and a cape with one ball out.

What's the point in those universal t.v remotes, I only want to change channels here on earth.

Why do birds fly south in the winter.
Because its better then walking.

What did the apple say to his girlfriend apple when he saw her insides?.....
"Coooooore"

You're one of those type of idiots who like to get a number just on the dot at the pumps, then go and spend 54p on a Kit Kat in the garage.

A mugger grabbed me in an alleyway and demanded that I give him all of my money,
I sold the house, the car, my shares in the company and emptied all of my bank accounts.
Turns out I could have just given him my wallet.

My wife called me a fat loser.
I almost filed a complaint on her gamertag.

I'll never forget my girlfriends last words.
"You've got Amnesia",he said.

I don't believe i can die, i mean its never happened to me before...

I went to a Westlife concert last night, I couldn't believe the queue!
We all made it out ok though.

My motivational tutor just said, "Everybody stand up for what you believe in!"
I said, "What if it's comfortable chairs?"

I'm so unlucky, last night i walked into a dark alley & guy pulled out a knife & said
"You're in the wrong place at the wrong time"
I thought "Great, I'm lost AND I'm late"
Unlucky or what!?

Due to recent petrol prices, it feels like I've spent more time at the pumps than I have been actually driving lately.
Maybe I should stop putting in 50p a time.

I sometimes bring stuff home with me if I've had a bad day at my job.
That's the problem with working for a glue company.

I feel sorry for Sheep Dogs:
They have to make a lot more effort than the beautiful sheep.

If at first you don't succeed, use a lucky pulling brick

I said to the cops, "I'd like to report my hat as lost."
"Where did you have it last?"
"It was on my hatstand."
"And is this hatstand at your home?"
"No, the hatstand is missing too."
"Sir, have you checked your house yet?"
"No. I lost the house as well. I think my wife may have it though."
"Excuse me sir. I think you need a solicitor, not the police."

I bought one of those giant remote controls and I found the settee down the back of it this morning.

I saw my elderly neighbours cat stuck up a tree earlier, so I called the fire brigade immediately.
When they arrived, I asked them to help get my obese wife out of the house so she could shake it down.