I know an incredibly obese black gentleman, this guy is so fat he's actually round. I really hate it when people mock him though.
It's just pointless racism.
My Girlfriend says that I stereotype too much, but all women say that.
My wife just told me she's leaving me, she said "you never take anything seriously, life is just one big joke to you!"
I stood there for a while with a shocked look on my face.
And replied "I don't get it"
I just dropped my calculator into my dinner.
Looks like I'm having pi then.
I've planted several trees in our lounge.
I hope my wife likes how I've spruced it up.
I went to a corner shop today.
I don't know why though, I didn't even want to buy a corner.
I can't afford a pair of trousers, so I just bought one.
My wife tells me that I snore a lot. Stayed up the other night to see if I could hear myself... not a thing
I phoned my local restaurant today to see if they have any job vacancies.
The lady said, "Can you wait for 5 minutes?"
I said, "Hmmmm, I was looking for something full time."
I've been told that I have to see a doctor about my apathy.
I don't see any point in going.
My wife came home from shopping earlier and said "I know your going to go mad because it was a few pence more, but I've just filled the car up with that new designer petrol they're selling down the road".
"Designer petrol?" I asked.
"Your not into your fashion brands are you?" she smirked. "That Diesel one".
Can you say 'Iced Ink' 5 times fast?
I took a rare painting of the seaside to a local art dealer...
"Would you like to tell me about its background?" He said
"Yes, it's a rolling sea with a lovely blue sky" I replied
My attention span is so low I don't even
I was relaxing on holiday in Spain when I heard a woman scream, "Please help, my son has got his foot stuck in the swimming pool."
I thought to myself, "Wow, how big are his feet?"
BBC News: Texters encouraged to use their phones to report drink-drivers
Three penalty points and a 60 fine later, I feel I have been betrayed.
I went to an audition for a cameo part in a film when the director said, "I like you but can you cut your hair?"
I replied, "Yes I can, but it's usually better if someone else does it."
I saw a plastic surgeon the other day.
I'm hoping for one made of flesh and blood the next time.
I was changing my baby daughter's nappy this morning when I noticed she had diarrhoea.
I said to my wife, "She's got diarrhoea and there's a few bits of sweetcorn in it."
She said, "It's probably her teeth."
I said, "No love, it's definitely sweetcorn."
The customs officer leans in the open window of the car:
"No thanks, just two coffees please."
Scientists have discovered something that will stop a falling mountain climber instantly.
It's called the ground.
I was staying in a hotel on my mates stag do last weekend.
I phoned the hotel at 3am and said, "I'm currently on the 1st floor going up to the 7th floor but the lift is broken."
She said, "I'll send somebody up."
About 15 minutes later the manager came up and said, "How long have you been trying to work this lift?"
I said, "About an hour, do you know what's wrong with it?"
He said, "Yeah, it's a cupboard."
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease was named after its discoverer..
Dr John Disease.
I must have forgotten the meaning of one-night-stand...
My feet are killing me.
My girlfriend was crossing a shallow stream, when suddenly she began to sink in to the muddy riverbed. Within seconds it was up to her neck.
Forgetting everything I had been taught in my survival lessons,
I used her head as a stepping stone.