I was sitting in the bus when an old lady got on.
"Would you give me your seat, young man", she asked me.
"Well, I'm afraid it's attached to the floor", I said.

If Cupid ever got married, he really would be shooting himself in the foot.

I thought my dog was by far the best when it came to playing dead..
Then he started to smell really bad.

I went to a fancy dress party and saw a bloke with what looked like a rabbit hanging out of his mouth:
"Nice one" I laughed, "you must be Warren."
"No mate, I'm Dave" he said, "I've just got a hare-lip."

My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't stop making song lyric references...
At first I was afraid I was petrified...

As I went through the car wash my first thought was that it's shocking how much water actually gets used in here,
Second thought was I wish I had a car.

A Chinese horse walked into a bar and the barman said "why the long face'
The horse said, "you must have the long eyes because this is the light face'

To me Osama Bin Laden's death is just like the royal wedding.
As long as we get a day off I really couldn't care why.

Being an alcoholic, suffering from amnesia. I can't remember the last time I had a drink

"Frankly," I said to my mate, "I think your name is Frank and your parents added the 'ly' by mistake."

I can tell my girlfriend spends too much time on her mobile phone texting people.
She turns her head sideways now to smile at me.

My Mexican lorry driver friend has got to watch what he eats.
He records it on a tacograph.

Just installed the new parking device on my car. It sprays black paint on the road as I pull up so I never have to worry about double yellow lines.

Joined Father's for Justice when my wife won full custody of our son, Luke, at court. My costume of choice for our protests is a full Darth Vader outfit.
Should make for an interesting reunion when he turns 18.

I bet you I can give up gambling for lent.

What has no nuts and is desperate for a screw?
The treehouse I made for my son. And that's why he's dead.

I'm being taken to court for plagiarism.
But it's just his word against my word...
which he claims is his word.

"We don't always see eye to eye, but I want you to know I love you like a brother. Well, maybe not a brother. More like a cousin. Or a step-nephew."
"Gee. Thanks, dad."

I should be happy that I've just won the young scientist of the year, but where will he sleep?

As the pharmacist handed me my antibiotics he said, "You mustn't drink while taking them."
"That's a challenge" I thought, as the first one I tried to swallow got lodged in my throat.

My mum text me saying, "What does IDK, LY and TTYL mean?"
I answered, "I don't know, love you, talk to you later."
She replied, "Ok, I'll ask your sister."

I hear the first lady was at the Aquatics Centre today.
What an achievement, she must be at least 900,000 years old.

A smoker got lost in the woods.
He went ashtray.

"What do you mean you're not buying my car?" I said to the guy collecting it from Ebay.
"Well I don't think it's yours," he said. "Apart from the forged papers, there's just something wrong about it?"
"So you're turning down the chance to buy a thirty grand car for 500?"
"Yes mate, you don't even know how to turn off the siren and the blue flashing lights."

She put her left leg in. Her left leg out. In. Out. In. Out.
And then I pushed her in. I probably shouldn't run swimming lessons.