I have a secret that I've hidden for a long time... I like Children. I've have a hidden folder on my laptop just in case someone sees it and I haven't told any friends in case they shun me. I'm just going to have to face it... Liking Robert Miles' music just ain't cool any more.

Breaking news- A man has been found dead under a truck carrying Chic peas, lemons and garlic bulbs.
Police are treating it as a Hummuscide.

Scientists have just deciphered a suicide note left on a wall from the Ice Age, it reads:
Goodbye cool world

I've always loved thatched roofs but my wife doesn't share my enthusiasm.
Since I had the Vectra done, she refuses to be driven anywhere in it.

I'm thinking about making a show like Cash Cab called Cats Cab, where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all of these flashing lights go off,
but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive.

I've been sitting here for hours trying to figure out why I can't sleep.
To make matters worse I'm also running out of coffee.

Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could end up quoting 80s movies without realising.

I was speeding down a poorly lit dual carriageway last night.
It's a good job they have those yellow boxes which flash to show you the edge of the road.

I've never understood why people talk about "solving" world hunger, as if it's some sort of riddle?
Surely the answer is to just give the world some food?

I took out life insurance on my wife without her knowing, and she hit the roof.
She doesn't know about it, I've just got her replacing ridge tiles without a cat ladder.

I have just put my shoe on and set off to the park with a bag of crisps and a can of pop.
It was when I got there that I realised I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

I hate it when commuters step on my toes during rush hour.
Maybe it's time to start wearing shoes.

I haven't been able to sleep a wink with this whole changing the clocks back thing.
I remembered to turn all the clocks back an hour when the clock struck 02:00, then just as I was congratulating myself on a job well done on my way to bed, the clock struck 02:00 again.....

Me and my mates have just been bowling at the UK's largest bowling alley.
The channel tunnel train network was thrown in to chaos.

I had to resit my science test today because I answered a question wrong. Apparently when asked,
what is the most explosive substance?
The answer isn't- An ink toner cartridge.

The house hunting at the weekend was a success, I shot 2 semi's & an end of terrace.

When I was at school, there was a busy teacher called Mark King. There was a lad who sold drugs called Charlie Sellers. Then we had a P.E. teacher called Roger Kidd.
He's in prison now.
Something to do with fraud.

My wife said to me, "Sorry to hear about your dad losing his hearing love."
I said, "It's ok, I wouldn't bother mentioning it when you see him though."
"Why, is he taking it bad?" She asked.
I said, "No, because he can't hear you."

My wife says I'm a salesman's dream, because I will buy anything.
We'll see who's laughing when radio does go 3D

I do strange things when I'm drunk
Like my wife

I fell out of bed this morning after the noise of birds suddenly woke me up.
I really need to find a different tree to sleep in.

I spotted a golden retriever this morning...
I've always prefered dalmations.

I was chilling out at home with my mate this morning when suddenly my dog walked in from the garden with a bird in his mouth.
He dropped the bird on the carpet and it was wriggling around in pain.
My mate looked at me with a confused face and said, "Isn't it usually cats that do that?"
I said, "Yeah, but he probably couldn't find any cats."

My ex wife said, "Your son needs to have a father figure."
I said, "He's already got one, look at the size of his belly."

I went on a dad/son adventure day today.
It was harder than I thought it would be to abseil and canoe whilst holding an urn.