I saw a sign saying 'wet paint' on the library wall and decided to do my good deed for the day...
And threw a bucket of water at the wall.

Why has Ed Miliband got three black people sitting next to him on the front benches?
He needs a Shadow Cabinet.

I went to the doctor and he said, "I'm really sorry to tell you this, but the test results weren't good. You only have 6 months to live."
I replied, "I don't believe it, I want a second opinion."
"Ok, you're not dying."

"Why don't you take that apple to work?" asked my wife.
"I didn't even know it had a job" I replied.

I handed in my resignation today, and I can't tell you how difficult it was.
I've never had a job.

My wife wants to leave me for being too forgetful.
Next time she'll probably say I'm forgetful.

People have kept pointing out that I should wear my Poppy with pride this week, so I've got round to it eventually ...
I know it's a bit of a girlie name for a dog and she didn't half wince when I stuck in the safety pin.

Some people say I'm disorganised. I'm too busy christmas shopping to pay any attention

My son has fists of steel and he's subject to intense testing for the rest of his life.

I tried out a bit of selective breeding once, crossed this flaming bright ginger guy with an ugly old cow.
Now my beef roasts itself.

I'm scared of heights.
Which is why I never measure myself.

I recently had to do some community service for vandilism, I had a choice between working at the pub I vandalised or going to prison.
Obviously I chose prison, it was either that or 48 hours behind bars.

When I was traveling in Texas, I met a real cowboy.
"Hi." I said, "I'm from England. I've never met a cowboy before."
"Moo." he replied.

If I had a cookie for every time I forgot the beginning of a sentence, I would have a million Pounds!!!

As a kid all I ever wanted to do was run away to the Circus.
Now I'm here, I can't really see the attraction of Picadilly.

My Grandad always used to say, 'When you're in a hole, stop digging.'
That's probably why he got shot trying to escape from Auschwitz.

My wife went on one of those new water diets.
Poor thing didn't lose any weight, she gained twenty gallons.

As I sat there this morning with my head in my hands, I thought to myself, "Why does everybody call me Worzel Gummidge?"

I was in prison the other day, and there was a rather fit blonde bird in the opposite cell.
She smiled and winked at me and said 'What's your number babe?'
I looked down at my shirt.
'436,' I said.

My wife said, "Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife four times a day, gives here roses every evening...why don't you be like that too?"
I said, "Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her."

This year some people really went all out for Halloween. The guy driving behind me last night even got sirens and flashing lights to go with his police costume.

I've finally decided to stop obsessing over my lunatic ex.
I'm over the moon!

I sent a message to bet365 today.
It read, "So what do I do on leap years?"
I'm still awaiting a reply.

I was sitting in the pub with my mate when my wife text me:'If you're not home in 10 minutes, your dinner will be in the dog'
My mate laughed and said, "What is it?"
I said, "An Alsatian."

What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin?
You get an electric current.