"Please don't take this the wrong way" said the wife as she removed the enema from my mouth.

I've just read somebody's application form for a job in McDonald's.
In the box next to telephone number marked STD, she put chlamydia.

i just spent 15 minutes staring in the mirror to catch myself blinking, i missed everytime.

I've invested all my life savings in a new sat nav product.
We'll see where it gets me.

Five hours yesterday the car was stuck in drifts going to work. It wouldn't go forwards or backwards and digging it out was no use. Thank God for those survival programmes ... Every hour or so, I struck up the engine to keep warm and I had an old bottle in the car to melt snow. Eventually hunger got the better of me ...
So I rang the wife to bring a sandwich to me on the drive.

My wife says I don't understand irony which is funny because all my clothes have irony marks because of her negligence.

I just saw an advert for a new Ford.
They come with an "Intuitive HMI dashboard".
I mean who wouldn't want a Human Machine Interface,
or steering wheel, as it's better known.

Fool your Neighbours into thinking it was windy during the night by sneaking out at 4.30 in the morning and pushing their wheelie-bin over.

My wife is an excellent driver.
That has to be my best one yet.

I was recently caught smuggling illegal brandy through customs at the airport.
Security found the 30000 Christmas pudding's I tried to conceal it on top of.

I wrote the book on learning to read.
We sold twelve copies.

Just put my iPhone in airplane mode
It flew away

My friend is a contortionist who has been out of work for a while.
He said he can no longer make ends meet.

I'm fed up of my friends laughing at me because I'm unintelligent.
Whatever that means.

I took my bucket and spade and had a little dig at the beach today.
"This is a terrible beach" I said.

As I studied my reflection, I knew something was wrong.
I'd fitted the two-way mirror backwards.

My Grandfather was decorated for bravery in the war.
It took him weeks to get the last bits of wallpaper off.

I went to a casino last night.
I walked up to a table and said, "22, Black."
The bloke said, "I'm blackjack."
I said, "Nice to meet you Jack, was I close with the age?"

What did the blonde do when she missed the number 44 bus??
Got the 22 twice.

I got kicked out of India after I tackled an actress! The authorities didn't believe me when I said I saw a sniper's dot on her forehead....

Why do Giraffes have long necks?
Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.

I've never bothered buying a bread bin...
I put any leftover bread in my normal bin.

I hate change.
Although for some reason I never used to.

"It's Raining Men..."
... I commented, as I gazed out of the Masonic Hall's window.

I may have slightly over reacted when my friend asked me where I was when Kennedy was shot.
Looking back now I realise he wasn't accusing me of anything.