I was arrested at the weekend.
The police knocked on my door and said: "We have reason to believe that you have been posting jokes on websites about the Holocaust."
I replied, "What Holocaust?"
I went for a job interview as a scuba diving instructor yesterday.
The guy interviewing me said, "This is not a good start, you look ridiculous."
I walked into work this morning and my boss said, "What time do you call this?"
"10:33" I replied.
"You didn't see anybody else strolling in at half past ten today, did you?"
"Of course not" I said, "I wasn't even here."
As I sat on the edge of the bed pulling off my boxers, my wife looked at me and said, "Please don't do that to the dogs."
What do you call an informative Geordie?
I sometimes like to get dry on a hand towel just so I can pretend I am a giant
I've just seen my neighbours cat stuck at the top of a 60ft tree.
It's amazing what you can see from up here.
I was in the hospital and was a bit lost so I asked a porter, "Could you tell me where the psychiatric ward is?"
He replied, "The psychiatric ward? Certainly sir, it's round the bend."
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, its worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. larry Laprise, the man who wrote 'The hokey Kokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started...
Describe myself in 4 words?
Bad at counting.
My wifes leaving me because i always copy her.
So i packed my bags and left.
If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that, it works!
I was chilling out in the pool area wearing just my Speedos, when the manager came over and said, "You can't come in here dressed like that. Please put the cue down on the table and leave the pub."
I called my boss at work.
"Sorry, I can't come in today" I said. "I've been hugging the toilet all night. I feel exhausted".
"No problem" he replied. "I hope you feel better soon".
Can you cure loneliness?
The Government are introducing English tests for immigrants coming to the UK from outside the EU, applicants will have to have a "basic command of English" before being granted a visa.
If you start every sentence without a capital letter, don't know the difference between their and they're, haven't got a clue where to put an apostrophe and end your sentences with lol... you're in.
I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m barge pole.
Right guys, theres something I've wanted to get off my chest for awhile now... I let the dogs out.
Two Drums and a Cymbal fall off a cliff....
Badoom Boom Tshhhhhhh
When your ears are burning it means that someone is talking about you
they are usually saying 'he's on fire'...
The other day in a night club while looking across the room I caught a glimpse up a girls skirt and saw she had "Eat Me" branded across the front of her thong.
I chuckled to myself for a moment and then thought, why would anyone want to eat underwear?
I caught my wife looking confused in the kitchen holding a jar of pickle.
I asked her what was up and she replied "It says to store it in a cool, dark location"
I said "How about the fridge?"
She said "No, silly, there is a little light inside...."
I was in Tesco today when I noticed a little old man struggling to get something from the top shelf.
"I can't reach it, I can't reach it" he kept saying to himself.
I walked over and said, "I can do that."
I took my shoes off, knelt down on top of them and said, "I can't reach it, I can't reach it."
I failed my Human Anatomy exam and couldn't get into university.
Luckily, I have a good eye for music.
How can you spot a Man City fan after the Euro 2012 campaign?
They're the ones with Italian flags on their cars.
Was chatting with an American bloke the other day.
Got sick of him bragging about how New York is the best city in the world so i told him:
'You do know that New York was founded by Dutch colonies right?
He said; 'don't you mean found?'
To which he replied in a sarcastic tone; 'Oh, I didn't knew it was losted'
I counted to ten and walked away.