I was on a really awkward date the other night so I decided to break the ice, then swim to safety.

A young man watched an old American Indian at a state fair, the old Indian was charging 5 dollars a time for a special challange- if he couldn't tell you where you were from just by looking at you he'd give you 50 dollars. The young man saw a cowboy try his luck first. The Indian looked him up and down, noticed some cow dung on his boot and declared: "You're from Wyoming".
"Wow, that's right," said the cowboy.
The young man looked on as another cowboy took his turn. The Indian looked him up and down, spotted straw and some cow dung on his boots and said: "You're from Montana"
"Gee that's right," said the second cowboy.
The young man decided that he wanted to have a go, but thought of a way to confuse the Indian. Having observed that the Indian took great notice on boots, the young man polished his boots until they were spotless and showed no clues. He went into the Indians booth, the Indian looked him up and down and said: "You're from Arkansas ."
"Gee, that's amazing. How could you tell?"
"You're jeans are on back to front."

Life is like a box of chocolates.
In the middle of it, you realize you're fat and no one loves you.

If you're ever thinking about owning up, don't bother.
It's not as good as Toy Story 3.

My first attempt at boiling an egg went terribly wrong...
The chicken died!

Just had my first ever fortune cookie.
Tasted awesome, taste better if they wouldn't put paper in them though.

Just bought myself a Drag Queen size bed.
The sheets tuck themselves in.

Harry Potter is so unrealistic. If you had a "luck potion" you wouldn't give it to your best mate to do well at quidditch.... You'd be going through Hermione Granger's underwear draw looking for a vibrator

I've just met Will.I.Am's arrogant Indian cousin.
I.Amit

I saw our new starter in work earlier.
"Hi Vicky.. How are getting along?" I asked.
"Ok thank you.. But please don't call me Vicky."
"Sorry," I said, "Didn't mean to cause offence. What do you prefer to be called?"
"Oh.. You know. I'm not really bothered... Vic or Victor," he said.

I said to my mate, "The worst thing about this hot weather is the smell of BO from the sweaty Paki's on the bus."
"I'd say it's probably the wasps" he replied.
"Don't be silly" I said, "Wasps don't get BO."

Just heard that today is International Women's Day.
I think that it's brilliant that there's now a whole day to celebrate incompetence.

I just read a book about hoovers..... The end sucked

True Story.
A friend of a friend works on the checkout in a supermarket. She was having particular trouble finding the bar code of the last item on the conveyor belt. She turned it upside down and turned it left to right, but no joy. At this point the patient man leaned over and gentle said "That's the thing that separates customers, love"
Daft bint!

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, chief inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye, if he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

Empty House + Noises downstairs = Ninja Mode

I was on the bus then I saw a sign on it saying, "Up to 1000 reward for information on anyone vandalising this bus".
So I ripped the chairs apart then gave the driver my details.

The Sun: Britain's Number One Benefit Cheat
To all those people that said I'd never make it. Number one in the country. Whose laughing now?

I could'nt believe the state of my Birth certificate.
It must be as old as me!

I've just been the witness to a bank robbery.
When the police where asking me what I saw, I said, "Well... I saw a man walking up the high street wearing a ski mask and carrying a sawn off shotgun, which I thought was weird as it hasn't snowed in ages!"

People say there were signs of 9/11 before it even happened..
Yes a muslim on a plane.

Hey, did you know that if you rearrange the letters of 'Tescos'...
... you'll get kicked off the premises.

I saw a woman driver today and I don't know what everyone's making so much fuss about; she was harmless.
...Well, when I say I saw her, I was at her funeral...

I've been watching this bag of flour for hours now and not once has it raised by itself.

My mate Frank had his son named after him.
After Him Wilson sounds so ridiculous.