I got told to wear black dress for my wifes funeral.
Yet I got killer looks when I turned up in my black dress

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

I really hope the saying ''history repeats itself'' is true.
I totally want a dinosaur.

Statistically, 100% of kebab jokes are really falawful

I said to my girlfriend "Why do the stupidest guys get the prettiest girlfriends?" and she said "Aw, thanks." I think I've missed something.

Last night my wife said to me, "Can you flick the telly over?"
I said, "Probably not, it's a lot heavier than it looks".

My stupid boss jumped to his death from our office block today, clutching his iPad.
The police expected a suicide note, but found he had just switched it to 'airplane mode'...

Smartphone app hails taxis from comfort of home,
Like A phone then.

I hate people that use over-commonly phrases wrong.
Just to be on the safe side.

I was having a meal with my girlfriends mum & dad last night when I stood up and said, "I'm going to quickly pop outside."
My girlfriend said, "Don't pop outside, it's rude."
I sat back down, let out a huge fart and said, "Okay."

My wife said to me the other day, "Is it just me or does the world seem a smaller place?"
"Try looking through the right end of the binoculars," I replied.

I've just seen a demonstration by at least 500 people in London.
God knows how many will turn up for the real thing.

I went for a job interview yesterday.
The manager asked me, "What's your strongest point?"
I pulled my arm back, quickly poked him in the eye and said, "That!"

My mate says he is an optimist.
But I've never seen him test someone's eyesight in his life.

What's big, grey and can't climb a tree?
A carpark

I aked someome if I could play with his Rophynol
He replied: '' Sure, Knock yourself out''

I gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick yesterday.
She's still not talking to me.

I was being interviewed for a job as a pilot when the interviewer asked, "What kind of vision do you have?"
"Tele", I replied.

My wife says I'm nothing but a bare faced liar, so I've grown a beard.

Do you want to hear a joke about a bird?
No? Oh.
Well this is hawkward...

Today is Columbus Day. I was going to get a curry to celebrate, but somehow I ended up in a McDonalds instead.

"I'll have whatever he's having."
"You can't, sir."
"Why not?"
"Because he's having it."

Daft Dave walks into work wearing one white shoe and one black shoe.
Boss: You look ridiculous. Go home and change your shoes.
Dave: No point boss. The only other pair I've got is black and white as well.

I first suspected my parents didn't love me very much when they tied me to a tree and took the dog on holiday.

Accusations that I let my wife dictate too much of my life are way wide of the mark.
I've been my own master from the moment she said "he does".