Stupid Joke

I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but I think if you want something done right you have to do it yourself

Stupid Joke

I just watched the 2011 remake of "The Six Million Dollar Man." It wasn't very good.
"We can't rebuild him. We don't have the money."

Stupid Joke

My girlfriend thought she was funny and bought me a poster of Justin Bieber.
It's okay though, I'm playing darts more then ever.

Stupid Joke

I love driving past stranded motorists, I can't help but drive past honking my horn, waving and laughing at them, then driving off with a smug look on my face knowing they'll be there for hours.
Maybe why my bosses at the AA want me in for a disciplinary meeting.

Stupid Joke

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go,
makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert

Stupid Joke

My mate came over to my house and complained how nerdy I was.
I spat my tea out in shock. Luckily, I'd fitted polythene covers on the sofa earlier in the day.

Stupid Joke

Bloke down our rubbish tip boasts he can kill a man with one finger. I think he must dip it in their tea when they're not looking.

Stupid Joke

I thought my bouncy castle was giving birth earlier, then I realised it was the wife coming down the slide.

Stupid Joke

Can we have an updated Sickipedia disclaimer please?

Stupid Joke

I tell you what else makes me jump.
Skipping.

Stupid Joke

Strictly speaking, the tomato isn't a vegetable.
It's really a kind of dolphin.

Stupid Joke

I can't believe all these people slagging off Florence and the Machine.
He's a great band.

Stupid Joke

My sat nav packed up the other day and I got lost. Luckily I saw a fork in the road.
This enabled me to ask the driver of the cutlery lorry, which was upside down in a ditch, which way the A1 was.

Stupid Joke

If its "needless to say", why say it?

Stupid Joke

My wife who turns 40 next week just had a check up for breast cancer, however she was too scared to find the results out for herself so she asked me to read them and tell her myself. The results were positive but because I'm such a caring and considerate husband I told her they were negative and she could stop worrying.
Boy is she gonna be in for a surprise at her party next week!

Stupid Joke

Just put the finishing touches to my new T.V show,
'9 billion ways to die.'
Number 9 billion is 'of old age, watching a pointless countdown show and realising you've wasted your life.'

Stupid Joke

My mates off travelling around Thailand tomorrow on his own, I asked him who he was flying with?
He replied ''I dont know till I see them on the plane''

Stupid Joke

Ashley Cole cheats on Cheryl Cole.
Cheryl Cole gets malaria.
Didier Drogba, who is Ashley Cole's teammate, also gets malaria.
Daz: the soap you can believe in.

Stupid Joke

I was telling a joke to my friend the other day when he told me my punchlines made no sense whatsoever.
That's what I call a hangover!

Stupid Joke

I stopped mid station today because I had something in my shoe.
It turned out to be my foot.

Stupid Joke

My mate told me that I'm too vague
But, you know what they say.

Stupid Joke

I got fined contempt of court 100 by a judge for talking in court with my briefs today.
He's just no idea how much I love those boxer shorts.

Stupid Joke

My mate says that my insults are "Too long winded, and ridiculous."
Like I really care what that pork sword forehead thinks anyway.

Stupid Joke

Some people call me an immature bighead,
It's not my fault my high horse is bigger than theirs.

Stupid Joke

I recently tried to write a short story on Twitter about a cruise liner with a hundred and forty-one people aboard.
I couldn't post it though, too many characters.