I always like to have a picture of a cute toddler in my wallet so that when people say 'Is he yours?', I can say 'Nope'

In dog beers I've only had one...

I stole a set of ladders today when I was out for a walk.
Although I didn't realise until I got home that they came with a free window cleaner at the top of them.

I thought I recognised a girl in the pub last night that I hadn't seen in years, so I went over and said, "You look like Helen Greene."
She said, "I look just as bad in yellow."

I'm supposed to be going on a date with a hot virgin tonight, but...
She couldn't find a babysitter.

What's blue and can't sing?
A Ford Focus

I said to the wife, "I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed."
She said, "But a lot of people do."
I said, "Not bacon they don't."

I'm not giving that bloke back his money on Ebay, it was perfectly fine when I wrapped and posted it.
And how was I to know he wanted to collect his puppy?

I've just taken all of the money out of my bank and now I don't know what I'm going to do for the next few weeks.
I suppose I'll just have to get rid of my balaclava & gun and lay low for a bit.

"Oi! Get out!" I shouted to the two tramps, "We don't serve your sort in here."
My Soup Kitchen... My rules.

A group of kids laughed at me today because I was pretending to be a pelvis.
I was only trying to be hip.

Like Pinocchio my son isn't real, in fact he is made of Lego.
He will be in pieces when I tell him.

Me and my wife were having our tea last night, and for some reason we ended up having a food fight.
I had the last laugh, when I threw the sword fish at her.

I was recently arrested for child molestation
apparently 'Santa sneaks into small children's rooms too' isn't a valid excuse.
Strange that.

Last night, I walked through a graveyard and saw something that turned my hair white.
A flock of pigeons.

I was shopping in Tesco this morning when I heard an announcement: "Could the owner of a V reg blue ford focus please come to the customer service desk.
So I went over and said, "What's up?"
"You're blocking a disabled parking bay in our car park" she claimed.
"That's impossible" I said, "My car is at home."

I invited all my friends to a late night swinging party.
Sadly the playground gates were locked.

I think I should get a new alarm clock.
My current one keeps going off really early in the morning.

I finally managed to get over my Michael Jackson addiction...
I just beat it.

My womans not bright. She got an AM radio took her a month to realize she could also use it during PM.

When I see someone really gorgeous, I stare, I smile, and, when I get tired, I put the mirror down.

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a surrealist?
Twelve, but they'll need a go-cart.

Gunpowder and Wood
...............
the perfect match!

Whilst watching the Sunderland game of Match of the Day last night my Missus turned to me and said "I thought that Bent played for England not Sunderland?"
God help me...

I just bought a peak perfomance watch..Turns out it only works at the top of Everest.