I can't begin to explain my fear of starting things.

I was in a posh restaurant with my new girlfriend the other day. I tried to impress her by ordering our food in French, but the waiter was very rude, and didn't seem too impressed with my efforts. I complained to the manager, who was very apologetic.
He even offered us free prawn crackers with our buffet.

Whenever I dance around in my living room wearing a nappy, holding my cat and smoking a cigar, my neighbour stares at me through the window.
I think he must be a bit of a weirdo.

My German neighbour had a blast from the past today.
He was digging in his garden and plunged straight into a buried Doodlebug.

I'm a member of the illiterate book club. We meet once a week to judge a book by its cover.

As I sped home from work breaking every Red Light on the way, I thought to myself, "I really should put this Baseball Bat down and get myself a Car."

I went to my first football match the other day.
I wasn't keen: it was so noisy, I couldn't even hear the commentary.

11-11-11
The only date this century that looks like a fence.

I launched my own clothing line last night.
I knew I should have taken the washing in before setting the fireworks off.

My neighbours obviously really enjoy my late night guitar playing.
They smash my windows through, so they can hear me more clearly.

A ghost walks through a bar...

Every night I have to endure hearing my neighbours arguing through the wall.
I have no idea why one of them has to come round my house to do it.

Top Recession Busting Tip:
Dont waste your money on an 'A to Z' when you only ever go from A to B anyway.

67% of Americans are stupid.
I belong with the other 13%

Working as an usher during the Gorillaz opera, I was showing people to their seats.
"Where is it?" a woman asked, as she followed me.
"It's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's there!"

Dog walkers are definitely a jinx.
Whenever a dead body is found, there's always one nearby.

Found a wallet. If your VISA card is 4678 2345 2828 9001 exp. 11/12 CVV 810
get in touch as I've also got your I.D. and business cards.

My father always told me to switch off lights as I leave a room.
Why do other people take it so personally?

I got into a taxi and started shouting 'Stop, don't drive, stay here!'
'That type of language won't get you anywhere', the driver said.

When I was a toddler my dad spent all of his time inventing new products for kids my age. Heeven went to the extent of fixing wheels to the bottom of a plastic bowl.
Used to drive me potty.

When my workmate never showed, the boss asked "Can you do the work of two men?"....
"Of course I can," I said "but it will take me twice as long."

After a lot of interest, I had a concrete offer made for my car last night.
I turned it down though.
I've decided to wait until someone offers me cash.

I may not know much about sport or geography, but if England can only beat Belgium by one try to nil, what chance have we got against the other African teams in the Ashes?

I've been teaching my dog how to count. I said "Rover, whats three plus two minus five"? and Rover said nothing.

After my girlfriends father died we decided to get married stood on his grave.
Well he did say I could marry his daughter over his dead body.