So a midget walks under a bar...
After hearing the Police's appeal for the rapist to come forward, I spent hours wrestling with my conscience and decided that tomorrow I'd do the right thing.
And play cards with my paranoia.
I went to the opticians and said, "I think I've got double vision. I keep seeing two blokes with moustaches."
After he stopped laughing he said, "That's not double vision. That's Chucklevision."
Was having breakfast in my pants earlier, but it was a bit of a nightmare.
The milk kept dribbling out the holes I put my legs in.
I sold loads of fake t-shirts on the market today.
No one noticed they were vests.
I've just driven past an old lady who had fallen over in the snow, so I stopped the car and reversed back.
She said, "Can you pick me up?"
I said, "No, I've got no room in my car, you'll have to walk".
I just knocked on my neighbours door and said, "Do you have a black cat?"
She said, "Yes we do".
I said, "No you don't".
I was standing at the bus stop with my mate and with this old lady last night waiting for the bus to arrive. Suddenly, the old dear caught the hiccups. She tried her best to ignore it, but i could see it in her eyes that she found them annoying and quite painful for her age.
My mate remembered some advise about how to cure hiccups and told me "gently tap her on the back, a little jump might cure them."
Thinking a brief tap might not do the trick, i pushed her onto the road as the bus came. That stopped her hiccups.
I went to the newsagents at 3am this morning to get some milk but it was shut.
There was a sign on the door that read: 'Only 2 School Children Are Allowed In At Anytime'.
So I woke my kids up and sent them to the shop instead.
SKY NEWS: Woman found after seven weeks lost in the wild, she had survived on Snow and Water.
So, just Water then?
I took my mate to the park the other day, he got drunk and started swinging for me.
It was hilarious, I watched him on the slide and climbing frame as well.
A Red Cell and a White Cell are walking through Greater Manchester, when they come to a set of stairs. The White Cell doesn't notice them, slips and tumbles to the bottom. He gets up, slightly dazed and stumbles around before falling back down to the ground. The Red Cell shouts down to him,
"Are you Dizzy Blood?!"
I was just about to fill up my tank at the petrol station when I suddenly realised that I'd accidently parked it on top of somebody's car.
I have just found myself a bargain... A Bugatti Veyron for only 695k. Trouble is, its in Southampton and the train is so expensive these days!
I almost got a job in the special forces, unfortunately I missed out on the last question!
They said " You have a bank occupied by 5 heavily armed terrorists with over 50 hostages, What are your preferred tactics?"
I said " I like the orange ones!"
Just let out a belch in the pub and a bloke said, "How dare you burp in front of my wife!"
I said, "I apologize!, I will let her go first next time."
My wife thinks I'm a quitter, I've had enough.
I had a fight with my next door neighbour last night and it got seriously out of hand.
I was drunk and I have no idea what come over me.
But judging by the state of his new garden wall, it was definitely bricks.
What do you call a Spaniard with ice cream on his head?
As I finished my conversation, I hung up and walked into the kitchen.
My wife said, "Who was just on the phone?"
I said, "Me."
I don't know why England are expected to win tonight. Bulgaria are clearly better at quidditch.
I used to rip it out of the fat kids.
Then I lost my job as a liposuction surgeon.
My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head.
I'm worried about her starting college, she's led a very sheltered life.
I got a call earlier today. The voice on the end sounded distorted. It said:
"I want you to do a few things for me. I want you to go to your car, drive to the bank, take out the largest loan you can and your loved ones will be returned safe. I have people in position to take out the people you love so you better do what I tell you. What do you say?"
I said: "I love you"
In order to cure my virulent racism, my therapist asked me to imagine that the shoe was on the other foot.
I had an image of one leg with two shoes on it and one without.
It didn't help much.