I can't believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was.
He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it.
Like that's going to make it lighter.
Dear Walkers Crisps,
Your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag?
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.
Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.
I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible.
I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.
At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, "You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed."
Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, "Time's up, Ladies and Gentlemen."
One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:
"Do you have any idea who I am?"
"No," says the invigilator.
"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.
What's green and smells like yellow paint?
I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word."
I answered, "Not good at following instructions."
I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!"
To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
If I had a pound for every time someone called me stupid, I'd have 2.50
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."
You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...
I haven't even got any coconuts.
I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'
Sky News: "Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice."
I believe the technical term is "water".
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
"Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro"
Thank you - I can tell you your English result already if you want.
I'm sure my mates like me but sometimes I don't understand them.
Like, just this morning I looked in the mirror and they had written 'TNUC' on my forehead.
What does that mean?
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you
The more you have the longer you live
"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.
CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.
Except Winter and Summer.