After a hard and stressful day at work, I decided to treat my staff to a few drinks down the pub.
Everything went according to plan, until the landlord said, "No dogs are allowed in here."
My mate just attatched a tennis ball to his radio antena on his car.
He must have great service
I was on the train when the conductor asked to see my ticket. I said, "Sorry but I've lost it."
He replied, "Lost you ticket. That's nothing but a fare-based lie."
I tried to find a corner shop this afternoon, but couldn't find one.
I just ended up going round in circles.
I picked up the board game Trivial Pursuit in a shop yesterday.
As I put 1000 down on the counter, the cashier looked at me and said, "Sorry sir, but this money is only for Monopoly."
"Oh right," I said, putting it back onto the shelf, "Do you have Monopoly in stock?"
As I ironed my wife's shirt, I thought..
"This would've been much easier if she wasn't wearing it."
Why does the doorbell always ring as soon as you step out of the shower?
MSN News: World's most secret societies
They're not so secretive now if you're revealing them then.
My wife: Thats a lovely cow
Me: Yeah, it's a Jersey
My wife: Really? I thought it was his skin.
What do you call people from Qatar?
I think my Grandad's getting a little senile.
Just the other day, he gazed upon the sea and remarked: "When I were a lad, all this were fields".
I taught my son everything I knew, and he was none the wiser.
It's always a bewildering moment when you're on a camping holiday, then hear the doorbell.
I was at this children's fair when I saw this dirty old man with his hand down the front of his trousers staring right at me. I was disgusted.
So I left the hall of mirrors.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday.She said she wanted something that turns heads.
Why would anyone want another neck?
Tip Of The Day: Dress up as a wizard and pretend you have magic powers by removing the chip from your oyster card and putting it into a wand!
I booked a taxi today. They know the rules you cant show your studs.
Rather than run the risk of being known as one of 'those' multi-millionaires, I bought this very generous chap's common sense for fifty million pounds.
We'll see who's laughing now.
What do you call a Calf after its six months old?
Seven months old.
I would have thought that Polish people would be a bit more shiny.
I've recently purchased some camoflauge pyjamas.
Good luck trying to murder me in my sleep.
A lot of people ask how me and my wife have managed to maintain a happy marriage for twenty years without things starting to go stale.
It's simple really.
Every Friday evening at 7:15 p.m, we do something spontaneous.
I went out with a stage hand from the local theatre once.
I called it off because every time we went out she made a scene.
I recently got over my fear of flying.
After falling off a cliff and breaking several bones, I realised I couldn't fly anyway.
I really regret hiring that Irish Hitman now.
After paying him to take out the wife I've just found out they spent the evening at the cinema.