According to the Daily Mail, living people are 55% more likely to get cancer than dead people...

You never know what's around the corner,
unless you're local.

Improve the quality of your junkmail by always ticking the 'over 60,000 income a year' box on surveys.

Do police briefings in the Amazon end with the warning, "Be careful, it's a jungle out there"?

I would like a pie chart that charts how big a slice of pie people prefer.

You know it's time for a trim when you can't see the wood for the trees.

Since it was my sons birthday at the weekend I told him I would spend some time and play Tiger Woods with him. I tried to hide him in a tree, but the tiger was unstoppable.

I used to sniff glue, but now I find it tacky

I started my new 9am-5pm job last week.
My boss said to me, "I don't mind too much if people are late, but if you don't come in at all I will take 50 out of your wages".
All week I walked in at 16:55pm and said, "Sorry I'm late".

A mate just asked me to give him a lift. So I told him he was very attractive.

I went to walk out of a building today when some guy shouted, "Mind the steps mate!"
"No," I yelled back, "They're actually quite helpful."

I just saw a tv program about the chilean miners and how they are struggling with all the fame
so obviously a tv program about them will be really helpful

My boss just found me asleep under my desk at work.
He said, "Firstly I never want to catch you sleeping during work time, and secondly I want you to get your desk off of this scaffolding".

I had my hair done by the Grim Reaper....
Glad I survived that brush with death.

I'm worried.
My father told me that if I didn't do well in my exams, he would put a child lock on babestation.

I done a stand up gig in Bradford last night.
I said, "Before I tell some seriously racist jokes, are there any white people here tonight?"

I just backed a horse in the bookies.
The manager looked at me and said, "You can't do that mate."
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "Horses are not allowed in here."

I'm hiding in my luggage... just in case...

After my visit to Egypt, I wanted others to see what I had, so I put some Toblerone chunks by an ants nest.

Got arrested for fly tipping this morning.
I gave a Bluebottle fifty quid.

The look on the wife's face each time she stood on the bathroom scale was heartbreaking.
So I've bought her another one.
Now she can stand on both of them at the same time and see her weight reduced by half.

I just found a dead cow in my bed.
I fear there's been a moo-der.

I went to church today for the first time and they seemed desperate for me to stay...
As I was leaving someone handed me a plate of money.

I have how predictive texts change what i'm about to saw.

They demolished my local Dominos Pizza today and all the other shops on the high street fell down