There are Two Great Rules of Life
1. Never tell everything at once.

I was playing cards on my computer earlier, when I had a sudden thought.
I should really get a table.

Someone threw a rock at me today and hit my spine.
So I threw one at them and got my own back.
Don't know how I managed that...

That sign in public toilets that reads "Please leave this bathroom as you found it." confused me for years.
Until my boss pointed out that it's not applicable to the cleaner.

I walked into a newsagents holding 2 posters and a glue gun.
I said, "Stick em up."

My friends once said that Star Trek only interests overweight, spotty, asthmatic, masturbating losers.
How wrong they were.
I don't have asthma.

My dad always said "If you're going to quote, do it properly."
Something like that anyway.

I was sitting in the pub with some bloke last night when he said, "I'm going to buy you a large whiskey and I want you to knock it back."
"Ok" I replied.
As he put it on the table I said, "No thanks mate, I don't want it."

Tesco. Consider putting the Samaritans phone number on your Christmas meals for one.

I'm giving up playing board games for good.
I never win at Scrable

I've just tucked my shirt in.
I don't know why I put it to bed so early.

The wife keeps complaining that I'm spending a lot of time smoking crack.
Well she's wrong. Yesterday I spent ten hours chasing a miniature elephant around my living room.

I just called Cancer Research and said, "I would like to take part in your next Race For Life event dressed as a chicken."
"Sorry, sir" she replied, "But you have to be a woman."
"No way" I said, "It's a chicken or nothing."

The Police stopped me in the car earlier. "Couldn't help noticing your dog sir."
"With his head stuck out of the window?" I replied, "All dogs love doing that in the car."
"Very true sir," he nodded, "Just never seen one do it whilst he was driving before."

Saw a sign at the doctors.
TIME WASTED THIS WEEK DUE TO UNATTENDED APPOINTMENTS: 12 HOURS
Fair play to them! If a customer doesn't show up, why not get drunk?

BBC news: 1 million dollar coin sells for 4 million at auction.
I can't help but feel they got ripped off.

I've just phoned an ad up out of the local paper.
"Wanted: Car seat for children ages 3-6"
Apparently it wasn't a swap deal.

I saw a beautiful golden eagle sitting in a nest today when I thought 'he looks angry, I should probably get out.'

Apple has released a new app that allows iPhone users to greet each other.
It's called the iFive.

Even with barbecue sauce, this barbecue tastes terrible.

For me, the sixties ended the day I sold my old camper van.
December 31st, 1969.

Listen to me carefully, I will say this only once.
This.

There was an out of date pint in the fridge at work and I told them I would take it home for my cornflakes, but replace it with some fresh the next day.
You can't believe the fuss they made about it at the blood bank.

Ive just bought my girlfriend some gift-wrap for Christmas.
I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.

My wife doesn't know much about football.
This morning, she asked me, "What was the England score?"
I said, "0-0."
She said, "Oh. What was the score at half time?"