My next door neighbours pit bull attacked our cat today.
My kids looked on screaming as I ran out and beat him to a pulp with a baseball bat.
Well, the dog was going to kill him anyway so I thought it was the kindest thing to do.

I had a dream I was eating a big fat marshmellow.
I woke up, my wife was still there.

In Fairytale News: The Pied Piper has 12 rats behind him.
More to follow.

I actually think the BBC iplayer is overrated,
It's just full of repeats.

As I sat there in court with my solicitor nervously biting my finger nails, I looked at him and said,
"Can you stop doing that to my finger nails please?"

As I entered a restaurant last night, the waiter took my coat and sat me down.
He walked off, then came back a few minutes later and said, "What can I get for you?"
I said, "My phone, my cigarettes and my wallet please."

My wife suggested we play Pictionary. She stood at the front of the room and held 4 fingers up...
"Four words" I said
She then proceeded to make a winding motion with her hand
"Jack in the box" I shouted.

I've always wanted to join a band, but my girlfriend said I wouldn't because I play the silliest instrument.
So I took my electric triangle and went elsewhere.

I couldn't work out how someone could hypnotise me, but then I realised the answer was staring me in the face.

Art, music, cookery... Truly, there is no start to my talents.

I think I'm going to shave the middle of each eyebrow so that my nose looks like it's a quote.

I went to see a Jewish magician last night.
He pulled a Rabbi out of a hat.

A mate's just been round showing me a moneybelt he bought on the internet for 100.
What a waist of cash.

Teacher: If Jenny has a bag of 10 rocks, but then loses 3 stones, what is she left with?
Student: A better chance of getting a boyfriend.

I'm sick of kids stopping me and taking my milk money off me every morning.
I'm getting a turbo engine installed in my float as soon as I can afford it.

Moths fly towards lights because they confuse them with the moon. But why do they want to fly to the moon anyway? Idiots.

What's white but not aware of it yet?
Tim Westwood.

If nuns have a religion, do you think they are more stupid than they look.

I'm just biting my nails...
..I'm gonna chew a few screws later...

I was feeling quite childish yesterday upon mounting a bike for the first time in years.
My mate looked at me and bet me 8 beers I couldn't pull a wheelie.
I got the front up off the floor and it was going great until I pulled backwards to much and tipped it.
Now I'm in hospital minus a few pints of blood, and a gym membership.

I planted a bulb at the start of the summer.
I'm hoping to have a nice bedside lamp by Christmas.

I'm having some sort of problem using the right-click on my mouse.
I just cant quite put my finger on it.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They won't change it, they'll just wait for it to burnout and then follow it around for 40 years.

Fool kids that look like you by telling them your them from the future and just walking off