I'll never forget what my late wife said to me.
"Sorry I'm late."
I tried making a couple of quick bucks today.
It cost me my job when the other scientists caught me injecting the laboratory rabbits with steroids.
I got thrown out of a football game for doing monkey chants.
I guess constantly shouting, "I love monkeys! I love monkeys!" would get pretty annoying.
My girlfriend called me conceited today and I wasn't sure what that meant.
It was probably a compliment of how amazing I am.
I knew I'd had too much to drink when I tried to light my cigarette with the wrong end.
Thank God my mate was there to pull up my pants and trousers and put it in my mouth.
I said, "Looks like rain out".
My wife said, "What makes you say that?"
I said, "It's raining".
I can spot an Indian woman from a mile away.
With my new extremely long red marker pens.
I'm so fed up of my missus calling me thick that half of me wants to punch her right in the face
But the other two thirds say "nah she's not worth it"
Someone just put a note through my door.
All it said was "A mys".
It's a bit of a mystery.
I've just bought a set of knuckledusters.
My knuckles have never been cleaner.
I done a few chin ups with my mate today.
We went up to people in the street and told them that life isn't that bad.
"- Extra! Extra! Twenty eight people deceived in one city. Stunning!"
I was eager to know what it was, so I bought a newspaper.
The newspaper was plain blank as the newsboy immediately started to sprint while shouting:
"-Extra! Twenty nine people deceived in one city. Sensational!"
Some stupid fitness instructor just told me I'm not doing the star jumps correctly.
I nearly fell off my chair.
I was watching a martial arts programme last night. There was a part where the master was showing his students how powerful he was by extinguishing 3 candles with a punch.
I thought to myself 'I can do that just by blowing on them!'
I have not once predicted anything in my life and i never will.
I have the brainpower of two men, unfortunately those two men in question are Laurel and Hardy.
A customer at the Tesco's fresh fish counter marvelled at the
fishmonger's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Fishmonger, what makes you so brainy?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," the fishmonger replies,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a
good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat
enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only 2 a piece," he says
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " said the fishmonger. The customer goes home
with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's
"Hey you," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for 2 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for a 1. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" said the Fishmonger. "You're more intelligent already."
I took up Feng Shui.
They say it isn't a martial art. Tell that to all the blind people I've incapacitated by moving their furniture about.
My wife found in in bed with another woman earlier. Why it took two of them to find me, I don't know.
I was over the moon when I got a new job as a supervisor.
It's not quite worked out as well as I'd hoped.
All I have to do is keep the sun out of my boss's eyes while wearing a cape.
If it's a random breath test, why do they always pick the driver?
There was a fire at my Grandad's allotment last night and virtually everything was burnt.
As we walked around today, we saw the chard remains.
I've got a spring in my step.
Don't walk barefoot through the slinky factory.
My girlfriend dumped me for taking things too literally.
My mum tried to help me by saying "God doesn't close a door without opening a window"
He must waste A LOT of money on central heating in winter
One of my mates thought it would be a hilarious prank to make ice lollies out of anti-freeze.
His plan failed for some reason....