I had a tin of Three Bean soup for lunch today.
Must have got lucky though... There were loads more than three beans in it.
There's a poster outside my local Asda that says, 'UK Baby Retailer Of The Year 2011'.
They never have any out on the shelves.
I went to the library and said to the man, "Have you got a book on directions?"
"No mate," he replied. "This is the butcher's."
I hate it when I'm unintentionally offensive.
It makes all the times I go out of my way to offend people much less meaningful.
Mark Knopfler asked if I could look after his hens while he was away on tour.
He even said he'd pay me.
I just popped round every day and threw them a handful of corn.
It was money for nothing and I got some chicks for free.
I'm keeping a few jokes about crash mats till later.
I always like to have something to fall back on.
My wife was furious when she discovered that Macauley Culkin was going to be staying with us for a few days.
Particularly when the paint tin smashed into her teeth at the front door.
I was so disappointed after travelling all that way to see The Great Wall of China.
It wasn't made of china at all.
I asked the chemist, "What's best for nasty insect bites?"
"Probably mosquitos," he replied.
I said to my mate, "Have you seen the TV programme about veiled threats?"
He said, "No."
I said, "You'd better watch it."
If I was the guy who packed away the parachutes for skydives, I'd be tempted to replace one with a can of Red Bull.
I babysat for my next door neighbour last night. After an hour the baby kept crying so I phoned one of my mates for some advice.
I said, "It won't stop crying, what shall I do?"
He said, "Just give it a dummy."
I said, "The dummy is filthy dirty."
He said, "In that case, put it in boiling water for 10 seconds."
After a long pause I said, "Great advice mate, now he's screaming even louder and is covered in blisters."
"What do we want?"
"When do we want it?"
"Whenever we see fit!"
If Winston Churchill was still alive today to see what our government has done to this country, he'd be in the Guinness book of records for being 136!
Last night my son shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink."
"That's great, son" I said, "Put it under your pillow and see what happens."
A few seconds later he shouted, "Nothing's happened dad, now my bed is completely soaked."
My dog can drink a bowl of water really quickly.
In fact, he has just broken his own lap record.
I was at a restaurant tonight and I thought I saw a family praying at the table.
It turned out they were only texting.
My family said that buying things from eBay is very risky as you can't guarantee authenticity.
What do they know? I reckon they're jealous of my new Anglo Saxon CD rack.
Number 1 game in Spain.
What's the difference between this joke and the holocaust?
The pope doesn't find this joke funny.
Officer: Did you know your back light is out, sir?
Me: Well, no. I don't know if you noticed ... I'm inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage.
I said to my wife I'm just of to the shop to get some smokes. She shouted out to me "can you get a pint of milk...... No wait better make it one of them big pints!"
I don't know what I'm going to do with her.
If all the dinosaurs had had a wide vocabulary, maybe they would have survived like the Thesaurus.
My wife just called me spineless.
Speaking as a hedgehog undergoing chemotherapy, that hurt.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.