I complained to my wife about the state of our sofa this morning.
She said, "Do you wanna throw for it?"
I said, "Yeah, go on then, heads."

I haven't slept for ten days... because that would be too long.

I walked into the pub with my dog, grabbed a pint and sat down in the corner.
My mate walked over and said, "What's the matter, have you two had a row?"
I said, "No, his face is always miserable like that."

My dad left university with a degree in physics
Still not sure who's it is though

Each morning, I wake up with a smile on my face.
I sleep with a coat-hanger in my mouth.

Growing up my Gran inspired me to become a magician....
When she'd pull tissues from her cardigan sleeve.

I was in my local swimming baths when the life guard told me, "No bombing in the pool."
So I did one through the front desk instead.

My wife didn't enjoy my Yule Log...apparently the bit of bog roll stuck to it put her off.

Confession 274856263: I can't count.

I've started a hate campaign against people who don't like other people.

If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?

There are 3 types of people in this world.
People who can count and people who can't.

I was absolutely shocked yesterday when I touched the electric fence.

I am going to name my kid "Off."
If nothing else, he'll get millions of recommendations every day from others to have intercourse with him!

Head and Shoulders......
For people with really hairy shoulders .........

The RSPCA just arrested me for riding my illegally kept unicorn up the high street.
Apparently, it's cruel to glue a funnel to your cats forehead.

It was so cold today I couldn't feel my hands.
The last time I remember it being this cold I got frostbite and lost both my hands.

I hate taxi drivers that think they can defy the laws of gravity.
They drive me up the wall.

My mind was blown when I aimed a gun at my head and pulled the trigger.

The wife bought me a pizza back from Tesco earlier.
She said "What do you think? It had a third off."
"Not that great" I said, "I'm still hungry, get a full one next time."

My mate always says something stupid half of the time.

I'm allergic to The Fonz.
I've got HeeeyyyFever.

I love eating my Grandma's dinner when I go to see her on Sundays.
The best bit is when she scratches her head and says, "Where has the food gone from my plate?"

I heard that 1 in every 5 mates is into paedofillia
I think it's probably Dave, he has the fittest kids

I'm not saying my mates gullible, but I've just sold him Super Ted's secret word for a hundred quid.