I bought a packet of those 'Everlasting Gobstoppers' as a child, and twenty-five years on they're still going strong.
On closer inspection, it turns out I actually bought a packet of marbles.

I told my mate that my wife was pregnant. He said he didn't think I had it in me.
I don't think he understands how babies are made.

Ever since acquiring my u-shaped binoculars things really have been looking up.

My wife said to me, "You are literally too stupid to insult."
I said, "Thank you."

Two grains of sand in the desert, turn to each other and say, "Busy here, innit?"

I always like to keep a bat under my bed.
Just incase someone wants to come along and film a nature programme.

Why is the corner of a room the warmest part?
It's 90 degrees.

Every day when I go to work, I follow in my fathers footsteps.
He walked across the drive before the cement was dry.

I never got any sleep at all last night because my wife was tossing and turning all night.
It's my own fault for putting her in the dryer.

I asked a girl back to mine last night for a bit of "How's your father", if you know what I mean.
Turns out he's very well, and his allotment is thriving in this weather.

Elvis Presley died 35 year ago today. It really got me thinking.
What sort of time travelling paradox machine does he own.

My son just told me what my wife had got me for my birthday 'as a prank'. A broken trumpet.
I didn't like the sound of that..

Have you ever been caught sniffing your mums knickers ?
You must be good at it then !

My wife is divorcing me for being stupid.
I know I'm not the sharpest star in the sky but I'm not stupid

I'm not using eBay anymore.
I bought tape measure for 20p: it says 'NEAR' at one end and 'FAR' at the other.

I got run over by a mobile sperm bank.
I didn't see it coming.

I went to our local cannibal restaurant last night and ordered the 'Baby Food Special'..
I love the platter of tiny feet

My wife said, "You're living in the past"
I said, "That's not what you said yesterday"

I'd jokingly told my wife that I wanted a Lamborghini for my birthday.
When I got back from work on the big day, all I could smell was Indian food.
"I couldn't find a Lamb Borghini", she said,"... so I hope a Lamb Bhuna is OK.."

I was driving into work today, when I saw a car wrapped round a lamppost.
I thought..that's just taking rememberance too far... What's wrong with a bunch of flowers?

My wife likes nothing more than to curl up with a good book.
So I've bought her a copy of Advanced Contortionism.

My son's school teacher rang me today.
"Your son didn't turn up for school today?" he exclaimed.
"Well, he's being bullied," I replied.
"Really?" he gasped. "Tell him to come and see me and we'll sort it out."
"He's locked himself in his room," I replied. "I shaved his eyebrows off and shat in his bed."

Little Johnny walked into the house shortly before noon. "Johnny," his mother cried, " what are you doing home from school so early?"
"I got the right answer to the question," said Johnny.
Looking confused his mother asked, "Which question was that?"
"Who put glue on teacher's chair?"

I joined 3 golf clubs today.
Now I can practice my putting in the garden from the upstairs bedroom window.

"Do you accept cards as payment?" I asked the lad in the takeaway.
"Of course, Sir", he replied, smiling.
"Great", I replied, "this one is an old birthday card."