Wordplay Joke

I've just watched a TV show called 'For the Weekend'.
It was good, but it was missing Something.

Wordplay Joke

"Give it to me straight Doc" I said.
"Ok, but it doesn't look good" he replied, while taking off his firemans costume and dropping the lisp.

Wordplay Joke

"So Mr. Smith. For 50,000, give me another word to describe misty weather."
"Sorry Chris. I don't have the foggiest."

Wordplay Joke

Sometimes I ask my barber to stand on a ladder while he does my hair.
It's a cut above the rest

Wordplay Joke

I got a text from my Ex last night.
"There is sumthing missin from my hart since u left me".
I replied, "That would be an 'e' love".

Wordplay Joke

I'm a hipocritic.
Perhaps if they spent less time bathing in mud they'd lose more weight and get further in life...

Wordplay Joke

My friends making loads of money after he developed a toilet that automatically flushes.
Personally a think the whole thing is just a splash in the pan.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a sign on a tree today saying "BBQ here in half an hour".
It was only 4" high.
Short notice, I thought.

Wordplay Joke

My mate wants to spend a fortune on a duplicate on any part of his body.
I told him not to get ahead of himself.

Wordplay Joke

I was sunbathing naked in the garden when a copper walked up and said, "Excuse me Sir but would you go inside and put something on." So I went inside, popped on my CD player and put my favorite Gary Glitter track on.

Wordplay Joke

I've been trying all day to make an omelette without breaking an egg.
I think I've cracked it.

Wordplay Joke

For a living, I'm a hit man, and I can't wait to get paid at the end of this month.
I've hit all my targets.

Wordplay Joke

Breaking News : Newly crowned Bukkake world champion claims he will "Take on all comers".

Wordplay Joke

If I wake up again next to another desperate pig I'll probably lose my job as night security at the abattoir.

Wordplay Joke

So i've finally decided to start playing the fiddle so I bought a cheap kids one.
Im hoping to become a professional kiddy-fiddler

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend told me I was a racist this morning. It's hardly MY fault if she came in when I was throwing the spear to her friend Azim to teach him how to play catch - she couldn't have walked in 5 minutes before when we were both just sat enjoying our cans of fanta

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend told me I was a racist this morning. It's hardly MY fault if she came in when I was throwing the spear to her friend Azim to teach him how to play catch - she couldn't have walked in 5 minutes before when we were both just sat enjoying our cans of fanta

Wordplay Joke

I've opened a shop at the base of a cliff
We sell items at rock bottom prices.

Wordplay Joke

As Ronnie Corbett's wife always says, two hands are better than one.

Wordplay Joke

i got in from work today and my wife said i want you to finger me ' so i rang the social and told them she's signing on and working

Wordplay Joke

I saw a man wearing a tye-dye t-shirt ealier.
Who knew you could make garments out of dead lady boys?

Wordplay Joke

Im sick to death of my daughters insistance on only liking bad boys,so much so Ive had to take drastic measures.
Ive thrown the DVD away.

Wordplay Joke

Since the wife started working at the bookies, I don't know who she thinks she is....
Coming home shouting the odds.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a church confessional to seek forgiveness for my sins.
"Father," I said. "I've recently kidnapped hundreds of girls all with the same Christian name."
The priest mused for a moment and said, "Hmm. Do you think you can put a stop to this by yourself?"
"Certainly Father," I replied. "I have every Faith."

Wordplay Joke

I thought my Chinese neighbour was heading back to China for Halloween but evidently not.
I've just overheard him ask his missus if she'd booked the frights .