I'm currently in hospital after receiving a shock from the television.
I saw Susan Boyle in high definition.

I went on a bus tour in London at the weekend.
It didn't take very long to walk through that.

A haiku must be, seventeen syllables long, I don't know why... though.

My girlfriend has just gone to sunbed place for a spray tan, but couldn't have it done as there was only one member of staff on.
It takes two to tango.

I got done for weaving through traffic earlier.
I suppose there are more sensible places to knit.

Everton have a new coach for the rest of the season.
Well not new exactly, but 700 quid for a 16 seater with alloy wheels is a good buy. Said Mr kenwright

Finished my script: 'Frankenstein - Flying Ace'
Now just need someone to make the pilot.

I keep having a recurring dream about a horse.
It's a real night mare

My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her anything meaningful, so I got her a dictionary.

So here I am, the final of the cornflake eating contest.
It's crunch time.

I don't use Twitter.
It's too trendy for me.

"How long have you not had a drink?" my mate asked.
I said "Nine years to the day."
He said "You know the precise date?"
I replied "Yeah, I think 2020 will be a good year to quit."

I was going to tell a joke about a boomerang, but I can't quite remem... oh wait it's coming back to me now

I was over an hour late for work this morning.
When I arrived the boss stormed over and snapped, "What's your excuse this time Matthew?"
"Sorry sir," I replied. "I missed the bus."
He said, "Well make sure you're more punctual in future."
I said, "Sorry sir comma I missed the bus full stop"

My girlfriend has left me because of my 'unacceptable on-line behaviour'
All I did was forget to put the washing out to dry

Just found out my wife has had collagen implants,
she's been pretty tight lipped about that..

My freind said to me "I'm turning into a woman's anti-perspirant!"
I said "are you sure?"

Desperate Scousewives starts tonight.
I bet they steal the show.

Epileptic Santa.
He seizures while he's sleeping!

LIZARD......lizard........liz...... Is there a Gecko in here?

I just dropped my iPhone in the bath.
It's syncing.

That film 'Iron Lady' doesn't really interest me that much. I can just stay at home and give that order to my wife.

A badly timed high five is just a slap in the face.

Recently I've started drinking petrol only on a regular basis to see if I can make it in the record books.
I'm a man on emission.

Why aren't lesbians allowed to work in a bakery?
Because they keep smashing pasties.