Wordplay Joke

I had haggis today and didn't like it.
It was offal.

Wordplay Joke

My mate married a midget today and he just said to me, "I'm regretting this already. What's everyone going to say when they see my new bride!? I'm really worried."
"Wife's too short, mate," I replied.

Wordplay Joke

My mate Dan just told me that the police took his DNA.
I said, "Oh yeah, what do we call you now?"

Wordplay Joke

I only joined the vegetarians club so I could meat all the young girls there.

Wordplay Joke

Ever since our band leader lost both his legs in a tragic accident, we've affectionately called him our semi-conductor.

Wordplay Joke

At lunchtime I had some asparagus tips. They told me, "Avoid wearing brown shoes with a grey suit. Put a teaspoon of sugar in a vase of fresh flowers. Never give a fat bird your phone number".

Wordplay Joke

Yahoo News: "More young people are winding up in nursing homes"
That's awful, but I suppose you get away with pulling the same pranks on Alzheimer patients time and again.

Wordplay Joke

Apathetic Jew doesn't give a Schmidt

Wordplay Joke

My book about impulsive decision making didn't go according to plan.

Wordplay Joke

How ironic are those Australia immigration adverts now?
I'm sure they're flooded with requests.

Wordplay Joke

I was on a cruise when the ship's engines failed. We were stranded at sea. Several boats were sent to rescue us.
As one woman stepped off the ship, she caught her shirt on the ladder and it ripped, revealing her bra. She then tore her skirt on the side of the rescue boat, which gave me a good view of her suspenders.
She turned round and caught me staring. She flew into a rage and shouted, "You sick pervert! Are you getting off on this?"
I said, "Nah, I'll wait for the next one."

Wordplay Joke

"Where there's a whim, there's a way." ~ The Law of the Jungle (The Mighty Jungle).

Wordplay Joke

epropr... That's proper messed up.

Wordplay Joke

I've changed my girlfriend twice in the last week.
Hopefully next week, she can go the whole week without a nappy.

Wordplay Joke

Bargain! I found an iPhone under 60 yesterday, so I grabbed it...
...AND the 60

Wordplay Joke

I was in Pyongyang, when 50 women started dancing out of nowhere.
I thought "This seems koreagraphed"

Wordplay Joke

Pimples.
In your face teenagers.

Wordplay Joke

When the chips are down.
Americans just eat them off the floor.

Wordplay Joke

While my girlfriend agrees that simultaneously losing her virginity and joining the mile high club would be a memorable experience, we just can't settle on the finer details.
I want to do it on the next flight we take, but she wants to hire a private helicopter. Her best mate says hang-gliding would be a unique choice, while my mates all reckon we should try skydiving.
Needless to say, the plans for popping her cherry are still very much up in the air.

Wordplay Joke

I've been taking drugs for years now.
In fact I can't remember the last time I paid for them.

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS: Dead man found by police station.
Must have been one clever police station!

Wordplay Joke

My midget boss sacked me today.
I didn't care, I left his office with my head held high knowing I was the bigger man!

Wordplay Joke

Eddie Stobart died of a heart attack,
Apparently he got the freight of his life.

Wordplay Joke

Filling your car with Diesel is much cheaper than petrol.
Its only 40 quid a bottle in Superdrug.

Wordplay Joke

I always loved my mum's parents, Pearl and Dean. Of course I knew them as Granny and Grandpapa-p'pa-p'pa-p'pa-pahpahpah.