Wordplay Joke

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend thought it would be romantic to have tattoos of each other's names.
So she got a tattoo with my name and I changed her name by deed poll to Newcastle United.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News:Marvel Comics introduces mixed-race Spider-Man.
I wonder if his mother was a black widow?

Wordplay Joke

My wife's really into threesomes.
Shame it's starters, mains and desserts.

Wordplay Joke

2B or not 2B?
I dont think I've ever put this much thought into which shade of pencil to use before.

Wordplay Joke

The time will never be wrong.
Not on my watch.

Wordplay Joke

My boss says I tire too easily.
Which is why I'm Kwik-Fit fitter of the month for January.

Wordplay Joke

I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.
Toucan play at that game.

Wordplay Joke

This makes no sense - yesterday my calculator was working fine, today it isn't working at all.
It just doesn't add up.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

Wordplay Joke

When it came down to a war of words, T-Rex was no match for Thesaurus

Wordplay Joke

Having fake teeth.
That'll denture confidence

Wordplay Joke

Premier Inn,
Everything is premier, except the Inn.

Wordplay Joke

I was arrested yesterday for driving my car into the local branch of Staples.
Seems I took a wrong turning just before the A4.

Wordplay Joke

I cooked pancakes this morning...
It didn't go down too well with the kids, he was their favourite rabbit.

Wordplay Joke

I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.
10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

Wordplay Joke

Ho Ho Ho!
But enough about the Kardashians, Merry Christmas!

Wordplay Joke

I have invited a girl from work round to my house tonight for a fireworks party.
I'm hoping to explode in her face.

Wordplay Joke

I was attacked by a tobacconist.
I've still got the cigars to prove it.

Wordplay Joke

I gave my wife a gobstopper for Christmas.
It hasn't.

Wordplay Joke

Not using the doorbell has a significant knock on effect.

Wordplay Joke

A man came up to me and said, "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry."
I said, "That is very annoying."
He said, "Well I can only apologise."

Wordplay Joke

I was bored last night, so I tied some helium balloons to my whiskey collection.
It certainly raised my spirits.

Wordplay Joke

I'm thinking about buying a greyhound, don't know what the wife is going to say so I'll run it by her first.

Wordplay Joke

My wife and I are house hunting at the moment, our estate agent called yesterday and told us he had a great semi he wanted to show us. Whilst I have to admit we were pleasantly surprised, I really don't think its worth a phone call unless its fully erect.