Wordplay Joke

I racked my brains for a bit,
they looked much more organised.

Wordplay Joke

As a plastic surgeon, I always apply collagen using a screwdriver.
It's a Phillips.

Wordplay Joke

I'm tired of my co-workers making cutting remarks, such as
"Doctor, make an incision".

Wordplay Joke

I was in a horse race and just as got to the finishing line someone threw an apple seed at me...
Pipped at the post

Wordplay Joke

Show me on this paradigm where the meaning escaped you.

Wordplay Joke

On closer inspection I've realised that my new Eskimo girlfriend is a dog.
Even her voice is husky.

Wordplay Joke

I have started a newspaper solely based around ice cream,
I've just had my first scoop.

Wordplay Joke

Being a lazy artist, I don't always blend in.

Wordplay Joke

I spread my mums ashes this afternoon.
I think she'd be blown away.

Wordplay Joke

Although Oxford professors can be distinguished, I find it hard to tell them apart.

Wordplay Joke

Upon turning 40, my wife said, 'I don't mind birthdays, but I can only stand them once a year.'
I thought to myself - that level of tolerance is ideal

Wordplay Joke

I entered the London Marathon last year but turned up the day after it took place. I was running late.

Wordplay Joke

The wife's upset 'cos I threw some potatoes and a tin of beans at her.
I think she's making a meal of it.

Wordplay Joke

I really should write down all the things I have to do.
Can't be bothered to find a pen and paper.
I feel so listless.

Wordplay Joke

A contestant accused me of being a really stingy gameshow host.
No prizes for guessing what I said.

Wordplay Joke

Because of the recession I'm now working shifts in a novelty chess set factory. On my line we use chemicals to make the hair curly.
I'm on permanent knights.

Wordplay Joke

Because of the recession I'm now working shifts in a novelty chess set factory. On my line we use chemicals to make the hair curly.
I'm on permanent knights.

Wordplay Joke

I don't think my members were too happy with the rules at my 'Addicted to Fire Club'.
Everyone was fuming.

Wordplay Joke

Every year, until the age of 10, Michael Jackson would personally deliver me a birthday present.
It was very touching.

Wordplay Joke

I'm starting to wish I'd ordered my blow up doll with more than just a mouth orifice.
She's completely infellatable.

Wordplay Joke

My wife found out about my Aussie and Polish mistresses.
She got the info from the minister of foreign affairs.

Wordplay Joke

I was reading a Shakespeare play yesterday. Not a lot happened, and it was actually quite boring.
To be honest, it was Much Ado About Nothing.

Wordplay Joke

Went to see a show at the West End last week, it was Wicked.

Wordplay Joke

I've decided to donate half of my monthly wages to the National Animal Welfare Trust. NAWT.

Wordplay Joke

I've just read my local newspaper. It had stories about snails, slugs and tortoises.
Must be a slow news day.